Can you see it? (8dp3dt)

Lofty goals 2dp3dt

A big thanks to Spanglish for her comment on my last post. Tampons! Yes! Why didn't I think of that??!!

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I am going to try to put into words how I am feeling right now...

I feel like this is "just another cycle". That this is something that normal people go through all the time. Another shot, no big deal. Missing work, no big deal. It's just become part of my life and I'm already planning for the next cycle in July.

Yet at the same time I feel extremes. I feel hot and cold. Angry and sad. Anxious and calm.

I wonder, could this be the cycle? Or will it end up like so many others? With me in tears on the other side.

I try not to think about it. About the fact that I have two embryos with potential inside me right now. I try to distract myself. With books. With food. With the computer. But it's hard being stuck relatively immobile for a few days.

I'm trying to live day by day. Tomorrow I go back to school and we will be starting the last 9 weeks of the year. This means grades are due from last time and I have all new students. To me it only means one thing - distraction.

I want to wish my life away so it can be NEXT Sunday. The day I've told myself I will test. But at the same time I don't want next Sunday to ever come. I don't want to face reality if this turns out like all the others.

I can't even think beyond 2 pink lines. At this point that seems like such a lofty goal. Even though it would really just be the beginning of more waiting and more emotions. I want to take that ride...

My first "lofty goal" is to avoid POAS until next Sunday. This is an enormous deal for me as every other cycle I have caved MUCH earlier -- and we all know how that turned out. I feel if I can have the patience to wait until next Sunday maybe the "powers that be" will bless me with a gift for being so patient. Unfortunately, patience isn't one of my stronger vitrues.

Luckily, I only have internet cheapies in the house -- and I don't think they work anyway. I will buy a pack of two HPT's next Saturday and this time next week we will have our answer. It's only a week but at the same time it's an ENTIRE week. Help me find distraction.

Goal #1: Hold out until next Sunday (9dp3dt) to POAS.
Goal #2: See two pink lines.

The early bird gets the... uh... embryos??

Did I mention that we had to be at the clinic at 5:30 this morning? Yep, it was quite the early morning!

But, I'm proud to present to you the newest additions to our lovely embryo family. Meet J and K. J is a beautiful 8 cell and K is a 7 cell.

We were told (as we are always told) that they look beautiful.

When Dr. J came to the holding room to get me he asked, "so how many are we transferring?" With a smile on my face I asked "three?" We talked for a few minutes and I finally told him that I trust him and that if he thinks two is what we should do, then we will do two. So two it is.

On the drive home Mike and I both agreed that the only reason he was probably willing to transfer three is that the others don't look so hot. I'm not holding out any hope for frosties this time. But if I can just get one of these to stick then "frosties, shmosties."

Mike and I drove over last night and I was really glad that we did. When the alarm went off at 4:45 I did not want to get out of bed -- even if it was for an embryo transfer!

The Valium kicked me on my butt and even though we got home early (early enough that Mike went ahead and made the commute to work!) I managed to sleep most of the day away. Strange drugs just don't sit well with me I guess.

Let the 2ww begin!

6 embies growin' in the lab...

Yesterday we retrieved 9 eggs. Dr. J was surprised because all of them came from my right ovary. The left ovary had a few follicles but nothing was in any of them. So righty was definitely dominant and Dr. J said that was "fascinating". I guess you have to be an RE to find that really entertaining...

The hospital called this morning and of the 9 eggs retrieved 6 are showing signs of fertilization today. I wish it was more but as long as I have something to transfer on Friday I won't complain. Grow little embies, grow!

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I had a strange dream about my Aunt Sally last night. She died almost 10 years ago. In the dream she was so excited to see Mike and I (she never met Mike). It was such an odd dream and when I woke up I had to think for a few minutes to figure out why it was so odd. She's dead. And in the dream she felt so alive -- so real.

A part of me believes in reincarnation. Could it be?

The day that Aunt Sally died was also the same day that "my car" showed up in town. When I was 15 I was determined that I was going to have a purple Cavalier. That is the car I wanted. Badly. I knew I was only going to get one if one happened to show up used at the local car dealership as it is the only place that Grandpa would do business.

On the day that Aunt Sally died a large truck carrying 10-15 cars was parked by the local car dealership. On the truck was "my car" that I received for my birthday a few weeks later. (I still wish I hadn't gotten a new car when I turned 21. I wish I still had my good ole trusty Cavalier.) A large part me thinks that Aunt Sally had something to do with it. Could she have something special to do with our embryos too?

Peaceful and Calm

Thank you guys so much for the comments. I just got done reading through them and it makes me feel so loved to know that so many of you are thinking of me today. *blush*

We drove to Indy last night and arrived there about 9:30. We read a bit and had a good nights sleep at the hotel. We arrived promptly at 6:45 and were whisked back to the holding room almost immediately. When the nurse came to bring us back she said "I recognize you" and that seemed to be the theme of the morning. All of the nurses remembered me from my 6 other trips to see them since June. In a way it was definitely a good thing -- a pleasant change of pace from the new clinic where no one seems to have any idea who I am or why I'm there.

I warned both the anesthesiologist and the nurse who put in my IV about the issues from last time and they both assured me that it would not happen again. The nurse did an excellent job putting in the IV and the anesthesiologist checked it with saline before he gave me the hard stuff. This time it didn't hurt at all. *A word to the wise -- if your IV hurts badly when they put it in (like mine did last time) it probably isn't right. I'll definitely go with my gut from now on with things like that. If it feels totally off, it probably is.*

We met with the biologist and I expressed an interest in putting back 3 embryos on Friday. She said she doubted that would happen (I'm just too young, yadda, yadda, yadda. Well, being young hasn't gotten me pregnant yet, now has it??) but she would write it down. We are ICSIing only 3 this time and letting the rest fertilize naturally.

Dr. J came in and said hello and I asked him about putting back 3 and he immediately said no. He said that because I am so young it just isn't the smart thing to do. I protested and said that this is my 3rd time through!! He then asked how tall I am (I'm 5"4') and he responded that if we did get pregnant with 3 there just wouldn't be room for them to grow. I jokingly said, "Well, if this doesn't work there is going to be hell to pay. And next time I get three!". He laughed and smiled, "There isn't going to be a next time." God, how I hope he is right.

Dr. J wheeled me back to the operating room and helped me onto the table himself. I thought that was pretty nice! My favorite nurse, Robin, was there and she gave me a huge grin when she saw me.

Everything went very quickly. They were talking to me while I was on the table and I remember telling them that I am high school history and yearbook teacher. They were joking that I should see the anesthesiologist's yearbook picture and then I was out.

This time when I woke up Mike wasn't in the room. Mike said that everything happened really quickly. He said that I wasn't gone more than 5 minutes and they didn't send him to collect until I was already back in the room. I guess they wanted the freshest specimen possible! I woke up a little and asked the nurse for a drink and then I kept checking the clock as I went in and out of consciousness. I started to get worried when Mike had been gone for 20 minutes that he was having issues collecting but then he came back and said it was "no problem!" He cracks me up sometimes.

As soon as Mike got back I got dressed. I went to the bathroom and when I came out Nurse Robin was in my room looking for me. She gave me a big hug and said how nice it was to see me again but that she hopes that this time is the one. She asked me if I wanted a laugh. She had a picture that had the anesthesiologist's head photoshopped onto this picture of Borat! (She's the same nurse that told me I was nice before retrieval #2).

The nurses all said bye and that they would see us on Friday (can you tell I like it when someone knows what is going on and I actually feel like they care??) and we headed out to begin the long drive home. I was craving a baked potato so we stopped at an Arby's on the way home and I slept some. Once we finally got home I ended up sleeping for the rest of the afternoon. The anesthesia knocked me on my butt!

Amazingly though this time has felt different. Everything went very smoothly. No IV pain. A little cramping but nothing major pain wise so far. I feel good. I feel upbeat. I feel peaceful. I feel calm. And it is so strange.

While Mike and I were at Arby's this morning I looked across the table at him (Arby's is so romantic ya know!) and I said "This is just so strange. I don't feel anxious at all. I feel good. I feel peaceful and calm. It is so not like me." Honestly, I was wondering if they had given me some happy drugs in the IV!! But that feeling is still there. And it is so strange. I don't know how to react to not being on edge constantly. I hope it is a good sign and doesn't mean that I'm just going to fall that much harder in the end.

I'll be back in the morning with the fertilization report. Please keep your fingers crossed for us!