New Year's Resolutions - This Year's Theme "Changes"

Last year, I had big dreams which resulted in big resolutions for 2007. In so many ways 2007 was a phenomenal year and while I didn't accomplish all of my goals, looking back on last year's list, I definitely batted over 500.

2007 will always be a special year for me because I was blessed with Bo. There will always be a dark cloud on 2007 too because of Grandpa's death but overall it was truly an amazing year. Mike and I were able to travel on several weekend trips and to Alaska. I was able to experience pregnancy and all of the ups and downs that came with it. I became an English teacher and somehow managed to survive it. I rebuilt broken friendships and made new ones. It was a good year.

My life has changed significantly since January 1, 2007 but I can honestly say that none of the changes were unanticipated. I know that by January 1, 2009 my life will have changed even more. This year Mike hopes to transfer and with that will come a move 5 hours north. This move will result in us being closer to Mike's family but it will also mean leaving my hometown. It will mean my mom living with us (or at least in our backyard). It will mean leaving the only job I ever thought I would have. It will mean leaving Mandy. And while I know there will be so many positive aspects of our move a big part of me is scared. Scared of all of the changes the next year will bring... But I know that this move is for the best. It is what I need to do for myself, for Mike, for our family...

Also in the next year I plan to attack my infertility again. I hope to do IVF again in May or June and see where that gets us. I hope I'm ready for the battle by that point. In my heart of hearts I know that our family is not complete. And for some reason I just have a feeling it is going to grow to be larger than I ever anticipated...

I am currently job searching. And while I haven't figured out what I want to be when I grow up yet (one of last year's resolutions) I am still trudging along and I think I have a better idea of who I am than I did a year ago. I am looking for teaching jobs and I am leaning towards more part-time so I can spend plenty of time with Bo -- and maybe go back to school. Maybe I'll teach at a community college? As much as I love yearbook a large part of me wants to give it up when my seniors this year leave. They have made my teaching dreams come true and I feel like I have fulfilled my goals in that part of my life. Instead of teaching full-time, I think I would like to go back to school to begin my Ph.D. -- possibly in curriculum and instruction. Then I would still be involved in education but in a different facet than I am currently.

Where will I be this time next year? Will I have a house in Geneva? Will I be working part-time at a community college? Will I be pregnant with twin boys? Will my mom live in our house? Will I have started my Ph.D? Will we still be in Olney? Will Bo be talking? Only time will tell for sure but one thing I do know -- it will be a year of change.

This year's resolutions:
1. Be the best Mom I can be. To me this means devoting as much quality time as possible into molding Bo into a phenomenal young man. I have such high hopes and lofty dreams for him. I want him to be smart, handsome, funny, and well-educated. I want so much for him. While I know that this is only his first year of life he will learn and do so many things this year. I want to be able to be in the moment for all of his milestones. I want to enjoy them (and him) to the fullest extent possible while teaching him about life and the world around him.

2. Be able to "go with the flow" more. Because this year will be such a year of change I need to be able to "go with the flow" a lot more than I currently do. I need to be able to be more flexible and role with the punches.

3. Let go. I need to let go of so many things. I need to let go of Grandpa and move forward with my life. I need to let go of my infertility. I need to let go of my anal retentive tendencies so I can enjoy life more.

4. Be healthy. My 6 week post-partum check is on Friday. After I get the all clear from my doctor I plan to start the Weight Watchers program for breastfeeding mothers. I also plan to start working out again. It feels like it has been so long because I was so careful during my pregnancy. I realize that getting to the gym probably isn't practical at this point so I have several DVD workouts that I plan to use, as well as my elliptical trainer and free weights. My goal will be to work out at least 3 times a week and to cook healthy food. I need to cook more to assure that not only am I becoming healthier but that Mike is as well. I want him to be around a long time! And also, when Bo starts solid foods here in a few months I want him to eat healthy and have healthy role models to follow. Being healthy is definitely a big goal for this year.

5. Devote time to my husband. I can already see how easy it is for some couples to put everything into their child(ren) and let their marriage go. Having a child is time consuming and all encompassing. But, Bo would not be here if Mike and I had not fallen in love first. I need to work hard to find the time needed to spend time with Mike and keep our marriage strong. We both relish in our alone time so when Bo is asleep we tend to migrate to our computers for our "me" time but we are going to have to carve out some "us" time too. I do not want to lose sight of why I married him and how wonderful we are together.

6. Remember that sometimes I will need to devote time to myself too. Sometimes I will need time just for me. I need to take the time to be healthy, look nice, wear decent clothing, and take care of myself. I need to remember my own needs. If I do not do that I can't be a good Mom, wife, daughter, friend, teacher, or anything else. I don't want to let myself totally go just because I'm a Mom and that is going to require devoting some time to me. Time to exercise. Time to eat right. Time to relax. It also may require spending some money. Money to hire help when I need it. Money to hire a babysitter. Money to buy a gym membership. Possibly even money for a housekeeper to maintain my sanity. I need to remember that money isn't everything -- happiness is.

Some days are better than others...

Some days everything just totally overwhelms me. And other days I manage to function just fine. I guess that is normal at this stage of the game...

I wish that I didn't have a to-do list. I wish I could just let things go. But I'm not very good at that. Actually, I'm very bad at that.

I'm almost OCD. I don't like seeing dishes in the sink, cat hair on the carpet, or anything out of place. I want my house in order, everyday, all the time -- what if someone comes by???

I also want to be all things to all people. I want to be the best mother, wife, daughter, friend, teacher, etc. I don't like to do things halfway.

But I'm trying to find a balance. And trying to remind myself that Bo is the only thing that is REALLY important right now.

I also invested in some retail therapy tonight. It's time to get out of the maternity jeans -- maybe some new pants will help.... Okay, so I know that's silly. But it did make me feel better...

Merry Christmas!

This is our Christmas card this year. I think it says it all...

"Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk"

The original author of this saying must have been a breastfeeding mother.

Breastfeeding has been going really well so far. Bo was quick to latch on after birth and has been going to town since then. He seems to be eating plenty as he gained quite a bit by his first checkup and he is already looking pretty snug in some of his 3 month clothes. We definitely have a BIG baby on our hands!!

I have been trying to pump 3 times a day in addition to his feedings. I want to keep my milk supply up and I am trying to build a freezer stock for when I head back to work. I have been pumping at 9 am, 4 pm, and 10 pm.

One trick we learned this week is that he sleeps a lot better if we give him 2-4 oz. of breastmilk in a bottle before he goes to bed. He still nurses after he takes the bottle but giving him the bottle allows Mike to spend some quality time with him while I finish my last pumping session of the day. Plus, we know how much milk he is taking in.

Around 10ish every night we have started our bedtime routine. I send Mike up to Bo's room with a bottle and Mike changes him and gives him the bottle while I pump. When I finish pumping I go up and Bo usually still wants to eat so I nurse him for a little bit longer. This seems to be working pretty well and while we haven't had another 8 hour night yet he does usually sleep until somewhere between 3:30 and 5:30. He eats and usually goes back down pretty easily at that point.

Last night though our bedtime routine ended with Mommy in tears. I had a 4 oz. bottle made for Mike and I was getting ready to pump. Suddenly from upstairs I hear - "Don't freeze that milk!"

I hadn't started pumping yet so I ran upstairs. Mike is stripping his clothes off and Bo is laying on the floor covered in milk. When Mike went to give him the bottle it leaked somehow and they spilled my precious, hard-earned, made of gold breastmilk everywhere. All over both of them and their clothes. All over the glider. All over the Boppy. All over the floor. Who knew breastmilk could spread so far so quickly.

Even though rationally I knew this was just one of those things I started to cry. I worked so hard to pump that milk. This totally threw my pumping system off. What if the milk stained the glider? I was a mess and literally crying and quite upset about the spilled milk...

While I have always thought that "Don't cry over spilled milk" is a silly saying, I now understand. Obviously, the person who originally said this was a breastfeeding mother who was hyped up on hormones and afraid her child would starve. So while I would never cry over spilled cow's milk -- when the milk comes from me, you can pretty much bet you're going to have a crying Mommy on your hands if any of it is spilled.

Happy 31st Birthday, Daddy!

Happy 31st Birthday, Daddy!

We love you!

Love, Mommy and Bo

Check out this video of Baby Bo announcing Daddy's birthday gift!

What a difference a year makes...

I don't even know where to begin...

The last 3 weeks have been a blur. None of it seems real. I don't know where I stand or how to feel. I don't know where reality begins and ends. I feel like I am stuck in a cloud. Or a dream. And I wonder... when will it all sink in.

The good stuff first...

Bo will be 3 weeks old tomorrow. Most of the time he is a pretty good baby and he has dealt with the chaos of the last 3 weeks amazingly well for a newborn. We've been on the go a lot and he has met way more than his quota of people. He's visited the funeral home and cemetery and went to pick out a headstone. That is pretty weighty stuff for a 3 week old.

Luckily, the last few days have calmed down a bit and hopefully we can start to establish a routine and spend some time at home. Obviously we love him to death but his birth and his existence still feels like a dream. How old will he have to be before I believe he is mine and that no one is going to take him away?

The bad news is of course, Grandpa. I've known for a long time that this was going to happen. I wrote about it and dreamed about it. I am so glad Bo will carry on the Bolander name in some fashion. Grandpa was sure that "he won't like that name." But I am hopeful that when I explain the significance when he is older he will appreciate having a name with meaning.

I pushed myself so hard to do IVF so young because I so wanted Grandpa to meet my child. And I am so grateful that he was able to do that...

Even though I knew this was coming that didn't really make it easier. It still doesn't really feel real that he is gone. I went to the visitation. I even spoke at the funeral. But it doesn't seem real...

And it also freaks me out. It freaks me out how many things in my life I've known about before they actually happen. It is like a have a sixth sense that allows me to see what is coming so I can try to mentally prepare myself.

Quite frankly, I'm a mess right now. I don't know which end is up or how to find my way out of this cloudy fog I am in. As you can tell from this post my thoughts are random and sporadic as well. Everything feels choppy, cloudy, cold. Nothing feels real. Not even the warm body of Baby Bo on my chest...

I am hoping this week my life will return to some semblance of normalcy -- or at least I will be able to stay home enough to realize what the new normalcy of my life will be. Hopefully I'll be able to write a more coherent post at some point.

Grandpa

My grandpa passed away this morning.

Bo is 13 days old.

We are planning the arrangements and everything this afternoon.

Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers.