Candlelight Bath

Yesterday, Bo turned 10 weeks old! We celebrated in a very untraditional way -- with a candlelight bath.

The weather was a little rough around here yesterday and our power went out about 6:45 -- right as we were preparing to give Bo his bath. So, we lit some candles and proceeded as normal. Lucky Bo had a candlelight bath!
Needless to say since we did not have any heat we went to my mom's house. We put Bo down in the Pack n' Play (which btw: he hates the bassinet part -- we finally got him to sleep when we put it all the way down. I guess the bassinet moves too much for him.) and Mike, Mom and I played Scrabble.

We kept calling our house to see if the answering machine would pick up, letting us know that the power was back on but around 10 o'clock we realized we were out of luck. Mike came home and cuddle with the kitties to stay warm and I stayed at Mom's house with Bo. I didn't sleep the best but Bo did okay and that is what really matters. It would have been too cold to keep him at home.

Bo and I came home this morning and Mike made it to work and our electricity was back on. Yay! Needless to say the shower felt extra good this morning since I slept in my clothes. I also didn't get to pump last night so this mornings feeding led to milk all over everything. We are getting ready to head back to Grandma's soon -- it's almost time for Mommy to go to work. :)

Fear

Parenting has been filled with far more questions than answers for me thus far. Does he need to eat? Does he feel okay? Is it just gas? Should I call the doctor? Are his ears suppose to do that? When will he be able to laugh? Am I producing enough milk?

The list could go on and on.

And most of the time, within a few days I've found the answer. Either by researching (which all infertiles seem to be skilled at) or by learning more about Bo. By figuring out which cry means he's hungry and which cry means his belly hurts. By reading and observing I can usually answer most of my questions.

My biggest question though is one that I haven't been able to figure out an answer for. When will I be able to wake up in the middle of the night and not immediately worry that he has quit breathing?

Each night, especially now that he is sleeping through the night most nights, I wake up several times and I have to go check on him. I have a monitor right by my bed but I can't always tell for sure if he is breathing unless he is making his little baby noises. So I haul myself out of my nice warm bed, put my glasses on, open his screen door, and peek in his crib. And obviously, so far, he has always been breathing. But this hasn't made the worry subside.

I also have weird fears. Like someone is going to drop him. Or his head is going to be busted open by the stair rail. I am so worried that something bad is going to happen to him. That he is going to be hurt and die. That he will be taken from me.

When does this fear go away? Will I always have to get up multiple times at night just to make sure he is breathing? When will it feel real that he really is here, he really is mine, and he isn't going anywhere?

Road Trip

Grandma Sherri and Grandpa Jim with Bo.

Mike's cousin, Amy, meets Bo.

Aunt Sandy, Aunt Cindy and Uncle Tom meet Bo.

Bo poses with a big stuffed bear at Grandpa and Grandma's house.

Grandpa Jim got a workout by walking Bo around. Apparently Mike really enjoyed being walked as well.

Bo took his first extended road trip this weekend! On Friday, as soon as I finished at school, we took off for Mike's hometown. Overall it was a very successful weekend!

Bo did very well in the car. We stopped one time each way to change and feed him. He slept most of the time in the car which threw his schedule off but he didn't seem to react to badly to the change to his routine.

We stayed with Mike's parents and they had everything all ready for Bo. They set up one of their guest rooms with a crib and a cute sports theme. They bought a bouncy chair, diapers, wipes, etc. They were quite thrilled to have Bo there. They loved holding him and playing with him. They couldn't stop talking about how much he has changed since Christmas and how much he looks like Mike when he was a baby.

On Saturday we went shopping and hauled Bo all over the place. Once again he was very good. I really think he likes being out and about a lot more than staying home. I seriously think he gets bored with me!

On Sunday, Mike's parents invited all of Mike's extended family over to meet Bo and have breakfast. Bo was able to meet his Great-Grandpa Anderson, Great Uncle and Great Aunts, and several cousins.

He did a great job and was such a good boy the whole weekend. On both Saturday and Sunday (and Monday after we arrived home too) Bo slept through the night. And I don't mean 5 hours. I mean from 8 or 8:30 to 7 or 8 the next morning. I am sure I am jinxing myself just by typing this! We will see if this pattern keeps up...

We tried to convince my mom to go with us for the weekend but she wasn't interested. I think she was pretty lonely and bored while we were gone though. She came over yesterday afternoon after we arrived home and seemed glad to see us. Maybe having us gone for a few days and seeing how life would be if we weren't around will change her tune about the moving issue. Only time will tell...

The only real issue of the weekend is we need a bigger car. Badly. I desperately want an Acadia but it seems like a lot of money for a car. I'd rather put it into our house! And Mike really does not want a mini-van. So we keep going in circles -- spend more and get a car we will like or spend less and get a car we won't really like but will be very practical. Ugh! We definitely need something bigger though -- our current cars barely hold us, not to mention all of the stuff we manage to take with and then buy while we are there.

Trying again...

I mustered up the courage today and called Dr. J's office. I have been meaning to do it since Bo was born to give them the statistics they will need regarding his birth and to ask the big question:

When can we start trying again?

There are many differing opinions regarding when it is okay to start trying for baby number 2. Dr. W, my OB, suggests waiting a year. One of my good friends told me that the ideal time for a woman's body is 18 months.

When I talked to Dr. J's nurse she said, "As soon as the lining is built back up in your uterus." Hum... interesting. So I specifically asked if she thought it would be okay for us to start trying again in May and she said she didn't see any reason why we couldn't.

So, when do we start trying again? Do we start trying again in May and hope that it doesn't take us another 3 years? Do I wait until Bo is a year? What about breastfeeding? Do we wait so that if it does work our children aren't so close together? What is the ideal spacing to have between children? Not that we really have any control over when it will work anyway...

And then there is the "move" that is looming. Will we be moving in May? Will Mike's new position have IVF coverage? Should I start earlier to use my last two IVF attempts under our current insurance? Should I get a job at Kinkos when we move instead of teaching to get IVF insurance? Agh.

The thoughts... the questions... (Any advice is greatly appreciated.)

The only thing I know for sure at this point -- I want Bo to have a sibling. Someway, somehow. I'm an only child and it is hard. There is lots of pressure. Lots of responsibility. I want to save him from that if there is anyway that I can. I can't believe I am willing to go through IVF hell again -- but really, it isn't about me. It's about Bo. It's about doing everything I can to make sure he has a good life -- and I know that having a sibling is something I desperately want him to have.

Photography and other random musings...

Bo in his bunting, getting ready to go to Grandma's house.

Bo flying in Mommy's arms. He likes to play "Superman."

Life is continuing to progress in my world. The days go by really quickly and sometimes it doesn't feel like I have nearly enough time to actually spend with Bo. There is always something going on or something that needs to be done. Maybe one day I will come to the realization that being busy is never going to end!

Bo's schedule varies a little each day but overall he is doing really well. He is working on sleeping through the night and we've had a few nights where he has actually made it. We have been putting him down around 8 and most nights he makes it until at least 3 before he needs to eat -- two nights this week he made it until 6! He has been awaking up for the day a bit later -- usually around 8 or 8:30 so that has modified our schedule a bit but I want to make sure he has plenty of rest. I definitely can't complain -- he does really well for an 8 week old!

The cats have been great with Bo around. Having a screen door on the nursery has worked out really well and for the most part they just leave him alone. The only big change is they are much more lovey when they have the opportunity to be with us without Bo. Reagan and Lincoln have both been cuddling with me like crazy at night. One under each arm! Some nights I wake up and I'm afraid I've fallen asleep holding Bo -- then I realize it's a cat! Yesterday morning Reagan stayed on my side of the bed even after I was up and about for the day. My poor cats -- having a baby in the house hasn't made them any less spoiled!

Wilson, Madison, Lincoln on the dining room table.

Reagan sleeping on my side of the bed.

I've been trying to fit in a little time for myself every day. Some days I don't succeed but I am trying. I want to start to exercise but that hasn't happened yet! Hopefully soon! I love to read so I have been trying to read at least a little bit each day and usually I read during Bo's nighttime feeding. I am also trying to build my knowledge of photography. I want to really capture Bo's childhood in photos as well as learn more about it so I can be a better photography teacher for my yearbook girls. I ordered the videos off of Me Ra Koh's site (Thanks to Leslie for refering me to Me Ra!) and so far I am really impressed. I would love to do one of her workshops...

It seems like I spend a lot of time uploading and labeling pictures. Does anyone have a good system for organizing all of the pictures I have been taking? If you do I'd love to hear about it!

Bo smiling after a bath.

Bo just looking cute - hanging out on his Boppy.

Grandma Cindy reading Bo a book.

Bo tries out his Bumbo seat for the first time.

All of these pictures were taken over the last two days -- I swear, my child does have more than one outfit!!

The Choice

With Grandpa's death comes a lot of changes for my family and for my life...

When I married Mike he agreed to move to Southern Illinois until my Grandpa passed away. This may seem odd, but when we got married Grandpa was already 92. We agreed that then we would move up to be by Mike's family. It was always assumed that my mom would come with us and live with us because with Grandpa's gone I am the only family she has left. Mom has always seemed fairly responsive to this idea -- scared, but willing.

Mike is from the Chicago suburbs. His home is nearly 5 hours from my hometown, where we currently live. Mike is already applying for transfers to that area. I am considering going back to school to get my Ph.D. in education and teaching part-time. Mike's parents have already contacted a realtor who is sending me houses via email to look at each day.

On Wednesday, when I picked Bo up from Mom's after work Mom confessed that she really does not want to move. This progressed into a 3 hour conversation and cry-fest on both of our parts. I can't imagine moving without her. I don't think I could live with myself if I left her down here alone. At the same time, I can't imagine not moving because of Mike. She doesn't want me to leave and doesn't want to be alone but is afraid of leaving the town she has lived in her entire life. She is afraid of the changes and afraid that she won't be able to meet anyone or be happy. But she doesn't want Bo and I to leave. And she can't imagine being away from us...

On the flip side, even though we have lived here 5 years, Mike really has not made any friends. He is away from all of his family which is much larger than mine. He doesn't understand the small-town mentality that I have grown up with and am accustomed too. Even more so he hates that you have to drive at least an hour to go out to dinner or do anything -- including the fact that he has to drive an hour each way to work.

Granted, there are lots of reasons I don't want to move. I was lucky enough to acquire the job I set my mind to achieving when I was in high school. I feel that soon I truly will have my "dream" job if I stay at the high school by being able to teach all journalism classes. I am well-known in this community. While I have few "friends" I have lots of acquaintances. I don't want to leave Mandy. I don't want to move and leave our house. There are lots of reasons I don't want to move.

BUT, I know it is what I have to do. For my marriage. For Mike. For Bo. If we don't move Mike will never be truly happy. Eventually resentment will build and he will leave. (He says he won't, but he will.) Mike will have to drive two hours every day until he retires. And while Bo would have opportunities here the opportunities up north are so much more vast. He will have many more options and opportunities if we move.

Ultimately, our move has nothing to do with me. If it was just me, I have to admit that I would stay here. But it isn't just me. And the way that I have lived my life it has never been truly about me. Every decision I have ever made has been based on family. I went to a nearby college so I could come home every weekend to see Mom and Grandpa. I chose teaching for many reasons but one of them was because I thought I would be able to work in my hometown (which I do). If I had not cared so much about my family then I know my life would have taken many different turns -- I think I would have ended up in a city, after law school. But I make choices based on family -- not on myself. And this is another one of those times.

The big problem is now my family is divided. Mom doesn't want to go. Mike desperately wants to go. They are both my family. I can't imagine leaving Mom but I also can't imagine making Mike stay.

One of the lines I repeated over and over to Mom in our conversation on Wednesday was, "Don't make me choose." I don't want to choose. I love them both. They are both my family. They are all I have. I don't want to pick one. I don't see how I can.

Mom has ALWAYS been there -- she's my mom. She loves me unconditionally.

Mike is my husband. I took a vow to be there for him. And I made a commitment to him when we got married that this is what I would do.

I don't want it to come down to a choice between the only two adult family members I have left.

Favorite Things...

I always love the posts where people write about and give links to the things they are using a lot or really like. There have been so many things I have purchased because of blog mentions!

So, instead of yet another post about motherhood here are some things that I am really enjoying right now.

1. Mammoth Crocs - I bought the Mammoth Crocs in black and I absolutely love them! They are so comfortable and easy to slip on when I'm running out the door. They aren't the most attractive shoe ever -- but really, who cares?? I also bought the orange paw and tiger Jibbitz to put on them so they are totally school spirited.

2. Canon Rebel xti - These are the cameras my yearbook staff uses and I have wanted one for nearly 3 years. I finally decided to order one and I absolutely love it. I have decided it is one of my last gifts from Grandpa. (Although, he did go Christmas shopping with Mom the week before he fell and so I was able to unwrap this for Christmas that he picked out himself. He usually gave us a check so this is extra special since he actually picked it out.)

3. Mixing bowls - I received these mixing bowls for Christmas and they are wonderful! They are lightweight and the rubber on the bottom really grips. I also love that they have a place to grab on to. So much better than my old glass ones!

4. Clinique Total Turnaround and All About Eyes - I use cheap face wash from Wal-Mart but I follow-up with both of these products in the morning. I have pretty clear skin and these seem to keep my face moisturized. Since I've had Bo my face has looked the best it ever has. Woohoo!

5. Bakers Edge Brownie pan - Mike loves brownies and he loves the crispy outside edges. We received this pan as a Christmas gift and we love it! The brownies are so good! But I'll be eating less of them... since I'm starting Weight Watchers today (more about that in a different post.)

6. Gap Modal - I absolutely love all of the Gap lounge and sleepwear made with modal! It is so soft and so comfortable. I bought the cutest pair of red nursing pajamas that I could just live in. They came in two other colors when I ordered them and I so wish they still had them. Instead I ordered another pair but they haven't arrived yet. :( If you find the red ones in a different color size medium, order them for me and I'll pay you back!!

Neat Website

Neat Website...

Your baby's birth date was Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Your conception date was most likely 2/27/2007

And your baby is 46 days old!
Your baby's birthstone is Yellow Topaz (Fidelity)
Your baby's Astrological Sign is Scorpio
Your baby's Flower is Chrysanthemum or Chrysanthemum (Dark Blue, Red and Yellow)
Your baby was born in the Chinese Year of The Pig
Your baby will start kindergarten in 2013, be old enough to drive a car in 2023, finish high school in 2026, and will graduate from college with the class of 2030, give or take a year. Can you imagine?
This time last year you weren't even pregnant yet!
Find the meaning of your baby's name
See what happened in history on your baby's birth date

A Day in the Life of a 6 week old

Bo with a bow on his head. :)
Our Family on Christmas Eve.
Bo discovers a blue monkey. (Thanks for the outfit Michelle!)
Bo's first snow.
Bo on Daddy's chest after a bath.

Bo holds a rattle for the first time.

Bo is settling into a good routine. I knew before I started establishing it what my days would look like when I went back to work (I go back tomorrow. :( Those were the fastest six weeks of my life!) so I wanted to be sure to account for that and most days it goes really well. I have read both Baby Wise and Secrets of the Baby Whisper (Thanks to those of you who recommended those!!) and they have helped a lot to establish Bo's 3 hour routine.

Bo's day:

7:30 Bo wakes up ready to eat. I have no idea how he does this but it really is like clockwork. I thought it was the buses going by outside when school was still in session but even over break he has gotten up at that time.

7:30-8 Diaper change. Bo eats.

8-9 Bo sits propped up on his Boppy in my bathroom while I take a shower and get ready, make the bed, get laundry together, and clean/straighten upstairs.

9 Bo goes into his bouncy chair for a nap. I go downstairs to pump.

10:30 Bo wakes up.

10:30-11 Diaper change. Bo eats.

11 Head to Mom's and Bo plays with her for a little while then takes a nap in his swing over there. (I'll go to work. I am required to be at work from 12-1:30 but anyone who knows a teacher or who has ever taught knows it takes a lot more time than the hours you are "on the clock". And since this is yearbook there are always pages to edit, money to deposit, etc. I am hoping to be there from 11-2 most days... We will see how this goes.)

1:30 Bo wakes up.

1:30-2 Diaper change. Bo eats. If I am not back at 1:30 (which most days I probably won't be) Mom will feed Bo the milk I pumped that morning. I have also given her a freezer stash to keep at her house.

2 Come home. Give Bo some tummy time and some time to play on the floor. Today we are listening to nursery rhyme songs while he is on the floor and I am typing this.

3 Bo naps. I still haven't started putting him in his crib for this nap yet but I intend to soon. Currently he takes this nap in his bouncy chair.

4:30 Bo wakes up.

4:30-5 Diaper change. Bo eats.

5 Bo goes in swing, back on the floor, or in the bouncy while I work on the main floor -- usually on dinner and/or straightening the kitchen.

6 Bo takes another nap on the main floor. (This is usually the time of day when he is the most cranky and sometimes this nap does not happen at all. Other days he will go to sleep at this point and not want to get back up for the other evening activities.)

7 Bo wakes up and eats a little bit. Then we give him a bath or a sponge bath. Mike warms his bottle and takes him upstairs and puts him in his sleepsack.

8 Bo takes a bottle of breast milk from Mike and listens to classical music. He is usually is asleep in his crib by 8:30.

9 I pump. This milk is used for the next nights feeding. Any extra is frozen.

10 Mike and I go to bed.

2-3 Usually between 2 and 3 Bo wakes up for his night time diaper change and feeding. Usually I can be back to bed in about 30 minutes and he usually goes right back down. We only really have trouble if he has the hiccups.

He really does not have much trouble at night and for that I am VERY thankful. I do not know how the Mom's whose little ones are up every few hours at night do it. I think Bo knows I just couldn't handle it.

Granted, every day is a bit different. And some days I have errands to do or other places to go and that changes his schedule some. And sometimes he wakes up early from his naps. And some days he is just cranky. But for the most part I have been blessed with a good baby who eats and sleeps well. My life is definitely different than it was but I am still managing to do everything that needs to be done and my house isn't falling in, my laundry isn't overflowing, and we manage to eat every day! I really do think that establishing a routine helps with a lot of that!

Now, I really should be writing thank you notes -- but sometimes blogging just seems like more fun... :)