Tuesdays With Dorie: Rewind: Snickery Squares

I don't own a torch so I decided not to attack the Creme Brulee this week. Instead, I made a rewind from before I joined Tuesdays With Dorie -Snickery Squares. These were originally hosted by Michelle. You can find the full recipe on her site or by purchasing the book, Baking: From My Home to Yours by Dorie Greenspan.

The first step was to make a buttery, shortbread crust. I threw all of the ingredients into my Cuisinart (my second favorite kitchen toy -- after my KitchenAid) and it turned out lovely.

I pressed the dough into the bottom of an 8x8 pan and began caramelizing peanuts. The first step is to stir water and sugar over medium high heat. Once the mixture starts to darken, toss in the peanuts.
Once the peanuts have reached an amber color, spread them onto a parchment lined baking sheet. Viola!!
While my peanuts cooled, I poured the caramel over the top of my crust. Wasn't it pretty?
Finally, I sprinkled the caramelized peanuts over the caramel sauce, and then finished it all off with a thick layer of melted chocolate.
The end result, while appearing ooey-gooey and good, really wasn't something to write home about. It was almost too rich. Overall, I was disappointed. I finally had an opportunity to complete a rewind recipe and I didn't find it wonderful. As Mike said, "it was fine." And it was. But it wasn't wonderful....

I took the leftovers to school to share with the lunch crew. Jason thought they were good. Ben thought they would have been better without chocolate. He apparently doesn't like chocolate that well. And Mandy thought they were way to messy to attempt to eat during class. Hopefully, next week's chocolate, caramel, and peanut cake will be a bigger hit!

Book Review: Mommy Wars

"There has been lots of talk lately about balancing home and work: part-time work, working at home, that sort of thing. Balance would ensure that the mother's intellect won't rot and that her natural love for her child will show itself in ways the chld will understand - that is, she would be around, not gone all the time. Articles and books detail the conflict mothers face and suggest ways to find balance in lives that, with the advent of children, are out of whack.

Let me save you some money: In a life with chldren, balance does not exist. Once you're a parent, you can figure you'll be out of whack for the rest of your life..."

- Jane Junka

Mommy Wars pg. 313

Mommy Wars is officially my new favorite non-fiction book (this was my old one), so please forgive me if I quote from it excessively over the next several weeks -- or for the rest of my mommy centered years.

I've found myself in the midst of a battle. A battle with myself. Should I work? Should I not work? Should I work full-time? Should I work part-time? Although I've managed to craft a seemingly "ideal" situation for myself, I still struggle with guilt. When I'm with Bo, I feel like I should be working. When I'm working, I feel like I should be with Bo. And unfortunately, I think my scars from infertility compound this complex. I'm sure I'm not the only infertile who made deals with the devil and promised to be the best mommy ever if the powers that be would just allow me to become pregnant.

I'll be the first to admit, I was completely naive when I was TTC and pregnant. I never even fathomed that adding a baby to our lives would shift my priorities so much. I just assumed that I would go back to work, full-time, leave Bo with my mom and all would be fine and dandy. Then I actually had the baby...

Anne Marie Field's says it much more eloquently than I can on pg. 222 - "I didn't understand, though other mothers had tried to tell me, how much space mother love takes up. How it makes my heart feel too big and clumsy to fit in my chest, and brings pools of happy tears in the corners of my eyes."

If you're like me and struggling with where you fit and wrestling with what path to take - this is the perfect book for you. The book includes personal essays from SAHMs, WAHMs, WOHMs, and other variations of motherhood. I loved the honesty in the essays. I truly felt like I knew these women from their stories and was so glad to find that I'm not the only person who truly struggles with the intricate balance (or lack thereof) that is being a mother.

Having a baby is overpowering. And despite my protests to this before Bo was born, it really does change everything.

The most important lesson that I learned from this book is that my decision doesn't have to be stagnant. I can change my mind and tweak our situation to suit Bo's needs and our families needs as our lives change, as Bo grows older. No specific formula is going to work permanently. We will have to juggle and rearrange as time passes. And I won't always get it right but ultimately, if my main goal is to be a good Mommy, in the long-run, I will be.

This book isn't the magic potion that you need to figure it all out. But what it will provide is many perspectives from women who have been there and done that. Numerous personal essays to help each mom feel less alone and make the best decision for herself and her children.

High School

Flashback: Fall 1998
I was a senior in high school, working a local photography studio, and thrilled to be a co-editor of the yearbook. It was that fall that I decided maybe I should pursue a teaching degree instead of becoming a lawyer. I couldn't imagine ever enjoying anything more than yearbook. I was accepted to many schools but chose to go to the one closest to home, that just happened to have an excellent teaching program.

Flashback: June 1999
Freshman orientation on campus. My adviser tells me that I can't major in Journalism and minor in Political Science with teacher certification. I decide to major in Social Science and minor in Journalism - both with teacher certification. The adviser tells me it will take me at least 5 years to complete my degree. I end up adding an additional minor in Driver Education and manage to graduate in three years.

Flashback: Spring 2002
Student teaching. I would be lying if I said I loved it. I decide to go back to school for my masters instead of pursuing a teaching career. I take the LSAT and apply to law schools. Ultimately, I end up back in college to obtain my masters in Poli Sci. Mostly because it means I can be with Mike.

Flashback: May 2003
Engaged. Fair Queen. Applied for job at my old high school even though I'm not quite done with my masters and decide to take the job if I am offered it. If not, I'll finish my masters and head off to law school. While in Florida, on vacation with Mike's family, I am offered the position. I jump up and down with glee. I have fulfilled a dream. I will be a teacher at my hometown high school. When I call to tell my mom she already knows, the principal called to tell her first!

Flashback: Spring 2005
My first year and a half at the high school were tough. I had a lot going on in my life and really struggled with lowering my expectations of what it meant to be a teacher. (Yes, I lowered my expectations -- if I hadn't, I'd be dead.) I rarely left my classroom and worked from early in the morning, through lunch, and usually several hours after school.

In the Spring of 2005, my prayers were answered. Mandy was hired as the new English teacher. I was no longer the youngest and newest teacher. I had someone to eat lunch with, a person to talked in teacher lingo and knew the students. I finally had enough balance in my life and knew enough about what I was doing to not only enjoy teaching but feel like I was good at it.

Flashback: 2005-2006 School Year
I look at this year as the high point of my teaching career at the high school. My life outside of school had calmed down enough that I could really focus on teaching. Mandy and I took over as co-advisers of the yearbook. This was the year that the girls that I think of as "my girls" were J-1's on my yearbook staff. It was an amazing year.

Flashback: November 2007
I was ginormously pregnant. My grandpa was knocking on death's door. My yearbook girls were a very bright spot in my life during this time. I felt awful leaving them for the 20 days I took off of yearbook after Bo's birth. Bo and I made several visits to the yearbook room during his first weeks of life. Going back to teach yearbook in January was good for me. There couldn't have been a better solution to balancing motherhood and my career at the time.

Flashback: September 25, 2008
I turned in my resignation at the high school. I know it is time to begin to move on. I am lucky because I do feel that I have left my mark on the yearbook and several students. I fulfilled my dreams of being a yearbook adviser and teaching there, I'm still sad. I'm sad to leave Mandy and the rest of the lunch crew. I'm sad to leave the comfort of knowing the people I work with. I'm even sad to leave all of the curriculum that I have planned and perfected.

Flashback: September 26, 2008
Maybe it isn't time to give it up completely just yet. Instead, I choose a path to wean myself from the staff by agreeing to be a consultant for the yearbook for the rest of the year. This seems completely perfect. I'll be able to make sure that my girls are okay and have the flexiblity I need. I'll be able to train my replacement and be available when issues arise. Ultimately, I hope that this will make the transition easier. For all of us.

Even so, I'm moving on. Even with the weaning process, it's time. Ten years is a long time for anyone to roam those halls.

I Could, But I Won't

Yesterday, Mike accepted a 120 day detail in Champaign. All of the logistics have not been worked out but he'll be working there from the end of October until the end of February. This detail is a promotion and will be a very important addition to Mike's resume. At the end of February, he will return to his current job and continue apply for transfers further north.

We've looked at our lives from a million different angles and we know this is the best next step. This will set us up for Mike to receive another promotion down the line and that promotion will coincide with a move and hopefully the government buying our house. With the way the economy is currently, I really don't see the house selling any other way.

This promotion leads to several other issues that need to be addressed. Mike will have to stay in Champaign, there is no way he can drive 4 hours every day back and forth to work. With gas prices it wouldn't make economic sense and the poor guy would be exhausted. That just isn't an option. Therefore, we'll be finding some type of living accommodations up there.

Then the question begin: do Bo and I stay here during the week and just see Mike on the weekends? How will that work? What if we go up there during the week with Mike? What about our cats? There are lots of issues to work through and lots of questions that I'm not yet able to answer.

The biggest issue and most pressing matter is my job at the high school.

Currently, my daily schedule looks like this:

6am-8am - Shower, check email, blog, work on online classes

8am-10am - Bo wakes up/Bo time

10am-3:30pm - High School

3:30pm-6:30pm - Bo time/supper/laundry/housekeeping

6:30pm-9:30pm - Work on online classes

At the end of the day, I am totally exhausted and collapse into bed only to do it all again the next day. I don't feel like I am really enjoying life right now. I am stretched too thin and feel like I am doing everything poorly. From mothering to teaching, I am not doing any of it well.

I could, feasibly, continue this schedule with Mike away during the week. The only real change would be I couldn't start on my online work at night until 7:30 pm when Bo goes to bed, which really, is only an hour. But, I have been hired for another online teaching job and my training for it begins in November. That means that right after Mike leaves I would be working 3 part-time jobs and trying to take care of Bo, without Mike around during the week. I would never sleep. Once again, I know I could do it. And if I had to do it -- if I was a single mom, or if we needed the money, I would do it. But the fact of the matter is, I'm not a single mom. We don't need the money.

So, while I could continue trying to age myself 30 years in one year. And I could continue working myself to death and missing out on precious hours of Bo's babyhood, I won't.

I resigned from the high school today, effective at the end of the nine weeks. I will continue to work, online, from home because I need to - for my own sanity and well-being. I plan to spend as much time with Bo as I can and soak up each moment. I know that these years will pass quickly. I plan to support Mike and travel wherever he needs me to go for the next few years so that he can advance in his career. I know that this is what is best for my family.

I will continue to work and develop my career, just at a different pace. And when Bo's in school, the world will be my oyster. He's only going to be small for a short time and I don't want to miss it. To me, being with him is worth the slight loss of income. I'll make more money later. For now, I'll do my best to develop a phenomenal little boy into an extraordinary young man.

So here we go, changes are on the horizon. I hope I'm starting down the correct path...

Sickness

Our house has been taken over by sickness. We must be breeding germs over here at Chez Sticky Feet.

My mom had a cold last weekend. Now Mike and I both have colds (his much worse than mine) and Bobo is sick too -- diarrhea for the last 3 days. I am considering calling his doctor today but since he is still eating a tiny bit and we can get him to drink a little as well I am not sure they will be able to do anything. It is obvious he doesn't feel well though -- he just wants to be held and has no desire to play. That isn't like my boy. Any advice for how to comfort a sick 10 month old would be greatly appreciated.
Several other posts are brewing and I'm hoping I'll have some time today to write during naptime since I'll be at home. There is no reason to spread these germs to the entire high school.

Wordless Wednesday: Bath time!

More Wordless Wednesday here.

Key Lime Pie

I'm a slacker...
And I don't really like plums...
So I didn't make the Tuesday's With Dorie Plum Cake this week...
But stop over there anyway and see everyone else's.

Instead, I made a super fast, super easy dessert that Mike loves - Key Lime Pie. This is Mike's Mom's recipe -- and she stole it off the back of the container of Nellie and Joe's Key West Lime Juice!

You'll need:
1 premade graham cracker crust
14 oz. sweetened condensed milk
3 egg yolks
1/2 cup lime juice
a few drops of green food coloring

Combine all ingredients and blend well with a hand mixer.

Pour into crust and bake at 350 for 15 minutes. Let stand for 10 minutes and refridgerate at least 4 hours before serving.

We decided to let Bo try it. He's sucked on limes and lemons before so we knew he could handle the tart flavor. That didn't stop some of his expressions from being pretty adorable!

Mike prepares Bo's first bite. This is the only picture I have of the finished pie!!
Bo waits for the spoon to make it to his mouth.

"Hum. Pie."

"It's a bit tart. And why are you taking my picture?"

"Sour pie. Humph."

A Sibling for Bo

With the mess that is my life right now, one would assume that having another baby would be the last thing on my mind. They would be wrong.

I've always been a planner. I want to know the next step. I want to know what is going to happen next. And in many ways, this has been a very beneficial personality trait. But some days, I wish I could shut off my planner mentality and just enjoy being me.

Amidst all of the unknowns of our current situation, I'm also trying to determine when a good time to do another IVF cycle would be. (Cycle #6 - #1 for baby 2, if you're keeping score). And I'll even admit, sometimes I wonder if I want to go through it all again. What if we choose to have Bo be our only child? What if we decide not pursue further treatments to give him a sibling?

Another personality trait I posses is that when I am trying to determine the right path, I research it. Knowledge is power. I gather as much information as I can on the subject. I ask the blogosphere. I ask my friends. I read books and articles. I've read personal accounts from parents who feel that having only one child is the right choice. That only children are smarter. More independent. More likely to be successful. Then I read the counterarguments -- only children are spoiled. Only children grow up too fast and have too much pressure placed on them by their parents. Children need a sibling.

I don't have the answer. I can see both sides of the coin. As an only child myself -- I see the pros and cons -- but I realize that in the long run Bo will be fine either way.

Realistically, I know that I will go through the IVF process again. Our current insurance covers two more fresh attempts and as many FETs as we can muster from those. Wouldn't it be stupid not to take advantage of this? Bo has brought such joy to our lives. Wouldn't it be crazy to not at least try to have another?

So I worry - it is what I do best. When should we try again? What is a good age to space children? What if it doesn't work and Bo is our only child? Will we be okay with that? What if we end up with twins? How will I balance two (or more) children? What will having more children do to our life? What will having more children do to my career? Can we reasonably afford to have more children and provide them with everything they will need - all the way through an expensive college education?

These thoughts swirl in my mind as I try to make the right decision. I try to weigh the pluses and minuses. I try to figure out when the right time will be. I try to picture myself grocery shopping with Bo as a toddler and another little one, snuggled in the car seat. But at the same time, I try not to let my heart get set on this situation. The IVFs could fail. Bo could be an only child despite my efforts to give him a sibling.

Unfortunately, it's kind of like having the first child. While I thought I knew what to expect, I really didn't know anything until he was actually here. Parenting my first child, despite mountains of research, has been a trial by fire. And I'm sure it will be the same with adding another child into the mix. I won't really know what to expect and how to balance it all until I'm in the middle of it myself.

But that doesn't stop me from worrying, from planning, and from wishing, for the millionth time, that infertility wasn't my cross to bear. For once in my life, I wish I could just turn it over to God and let him determine when the timing was right. Instead, I drudge forward, trying to figure out the perfect time. The perfect time to jump back on the infertility roller coaster and start my hormones spinning out of control.

Crossroads

Thanks for all of your comments on my last post. Sometimes you just need to kick me and remind me that being me, even with all of my flaws and quirks, isn't that awful. I don't want to be famous. I don't want to be on TV. I just want to be me and be happy.

I guess what sparked the last post is that I am having a difficult time right now. I am struggling to find myself amid numerous pressures and outside influences.

I feel bogged down on all fronts. Brick and mortar students are driving me a little batty. Online deadlines are making me crazy. We are planning a trip to Tulsa (vacation of the Gods, I'm tellin' ya - tips for taking an 11 month old on an airplane would be greatly appreciated!). I am worried about so many things that I can't even begin to list them all. My to-do list is so long that it makes the drive from D.C. to San Francisco seem short. And this doesn't even include about a million other things that are going on that I'm anxious to tell all of you about but my hands are tied for at least another week. I am ready to pour it all out into the blogosphere, get it all off my chest, and let you weigh-in. Somehow, that always makes me feel better...

In the very brief moments that I have a cohesive thought that doesn't revolve around Bo food, APA citations, or the Treaty of Paris, I find myself very introspective. I'm at a crossroads and I'm struggling with which path to take. Everyone around me is pushing me in a different direction -- either consciously or subconsciously -- and I'm trying my best to make my decision(s) based on what I want. What will make me happy. What will be best for my family. But even so, those outside stressors and pressures leak in -- filling me with doubts, worries, and anxiety.

Each major life change is a crossroads, and up to this point, I feel like I have always chosen the right road. I just hope I have the stamina and determination to make it over the major hurdles towards the path of ultimate success and happiness.

Lots of soul-searching and navel-gazing will be present in the blog over the next few weeks. I hope you're up for the ride. But for now, I must go back to reading research papers.

The Pink Ladies

The Pink Ladies were a group of 10 girls in my high school class who "ruled the school". They seemed to have it all -- good grades, good looks, cute clothes -- you know the type. While I knew I could never be one of them, I always aspired to look like them. Too bad the Guess? Jeans never turned me into Brooke Fergu.son (the prettiest of the Pink Ladies).

My bloggy friends are all becoming uber popular and I'm feeling left behind. It's the same feeling I had in high school -- that even though my blog displays the latest in bloggy trends I'll never quite reach the blogging pinnacle. Probably because people hate to read posts like this...

My eyes have been green with envy this week as several of my blog friends were at Martha Stewart's show this week! How neat is that? I've been reading Smitten Kitchen for a little over two years and she was featured on the show!

Gemini Girl was also there, but she didn't get to eat any of the cookies.
:( She has twins who are around the same age as Bo and I began reading her blog shortly after Bo was born.

It's neat that both of these bloggers have stopped by my blog and left comments on occasion but even in the blogosphere it doesn't feel like I'll ever have the same opportunities as my blogging pals. Will I ever be in the "in" crowd?? What makes a blog feature friendly? How do I get featured on a TV show? Or get my own article in the Chicago Tribune like Matthew at Maybe Baby? Can someone tell me the secret? So far, it feels like the answer is less Bo, more politics.

The Purse Snatcher

Have you ever stopped to think about how much your purse is worth? I never had either, until the police officer had me list everything in my purse, item by item, along with a dollar value. It was by far, the most expensive trip to Kohl's I've ever experienced.

Mike had a business trip away from home Tuesday evening. When I asked my mom what she wanted to do for dinner sans Mikey, she suggested we head to Kohl's and go out to eat because she had a 20% off coupon. Since I knew I wouldn't be able to work while Bo was awake anyway, I agreed, and we left immediately after school to head to Eff.ing.ham.

When we arrived at Kohl's, I put Bo in one of their strange stroller carts, placing my purse in the bottom of the cart. I specifically said to Mom, "Remind me to get this out when we leave." Mom and I moseyed our way through the store. Our purchases consisted solely of items for Bo.

At the checkout line, Mom was paying and I grabbed Bo out of the cart. (To give you a timeline this was about 5:20.) Mom pushed forward the cart and I kicked it the rest of the way forward to join the other carts with Bo in one arm and packages in the other. We started walking toward the car and it was mere seconds before I realized that my purse was still in the cart. I threw the bags on the ground by the car, handed Bo to my mom, and ran back inside.

Unfortunately, I was already too late.

I looked in all of the carts, told the sales clerks, they announced for people to look in their carts for a purse, and I did a mad dash around the store peering in all of the carts. No luck. I did two run throughs and then went back out to tell Mom. I carried Bo and the packages back into the store to stalk the checkout counters for carts that might contain my purse. I passed Bo off to my mom multiple times and cased the store, peering in carts. I'm sure I was creeping out the other shoppers.

Eventually, I left Mom up front while I went out to check the car. Which amazingly, was unlocked. Thank God. I ended up feeding Bo "moose munch" in the car while Mom watched the checkout lines. A manager was back looking at camera footage while all of this was going on. Finally, about 6:30, the manager hit the jackpot. Someone did take the cart as soon as I walked out of the store. They have footage and it is obvious that she saw what was in the cart and took it. They are also pretty sure they can get a plate off of her car in the parking lot as she is leaving. At least at this point we knew the purse was actually gone, and not randomly walking around the store in some unsuspecting strangers cart.

Unfortunately, this didn't solve the ultimate dilemma. Mom, Bo, and I were still an hour from home. Mike is away for the night. And there are no keys to start the car.

Luckily, the managers were very nice and took us to their breakroom while I called Mandy (pop over and say hi, she finally started a blog!) and pleaded for her to come rescue us. The police officer took my report there while I fed Bo turkey, cheese, and bread, (we won't talk about how unhealthy that was... mmkay?) leftover from a Kohl's luncheon. None of us had eaten supper -- we had been planning to go to Cracker Barrel when we left Kohl's.

By this point it is around 7:15. We decide to go sit out in the car. I felt bad for taking over their breakroom and feeding my son their food. But they were so nice and very understanding about the entire ordeal. I'll definitely be sending Thank You's.

I changed Bo's diaper in the back of the car and tried to put him in his carseat because it was his usual bedtime. He wasn't interested in going to sleep so my mom and I took turns holding him in the car while we waited for Mandy to arrive. (On a positive note, I did get to chat with Jill for a few minutes while we waited. She happened to see our car in the lot and came over to chat.)

Mandy and her little sister, Hunter, arrived to save us at around 8:30. I don't think I've ever been more glad to see anyone in my life. Mandy handed off the keys and we headed home. I can't remember the last time I drove at night -- more or less the last time I was outside of my house after 8 pm! I managed just fine though.

Bo fell asleep on the way home but woke up as I dropped Mom off. Luckily, he went right back down once I brought him inside and settled him. By this point, I was 2 hours behind on the massive amount of work I needed to do so I proceeded to work until about 12:30 last night. (Hence the very hasty Wordless Wednesday post!) The adrenaline of the evening kept me going. I still don't think I've fully recovered. I also managed to not eat for approximately 23 hours. That never happens to me...

My beautiful Burberry purse and wallet are gone along with everything they contained. I loved that purse. Mike gave it to me for my birthday when I turned 23. I just bought the wallet about a year ago -- trading in my knock-off for the real thing. I planned to carry that purse until it fell to pieces. I didn't even carry a purse until I was 22 and I never imagined being so attached to one. It was the only purse I own...

The moral of the story... don't leave your purse, even for a second. And if you're a thief, maybe you should check to see if the store has cameras first. I do plan to press charges.

Wordless Wednesday: STOLEN!

No, I'm not kidding. If you see this purse in Southern Illinois, or someone wearing my sunglasses, carrying my wallet, using my id or credit cards, or writing with one of my special purple grading pens, or playing with my cute keychain, contact me immediately. Full story, along with an excuse for the awful photo coming on Thursday. Because right now, I must work. And yes, I know it's midnight. Just another curse of online employment.

More Wordless Wednesday here.

Tuesdays with Dorie: Chocolate Chunkers

This week's recipe was chosen by Claudia at Fool for Food. It can also be found on pg. 70 of Baking: From My Home to Yours by Dorie Greenspan.

Mike, Bo, and I traveled up north this weekend because both Mike and I had dentist appointments. Bo had fun staying with his Grandma and Grandpa while Mike and I had our teeth cleaned!

When I saw this recipe, I knew I would have to wait until after we came back to make these, because the recipe called for "premium" chocolate. When I think of premium chocolate there is only one place I think of -- Graham's. Yumm-o! Besides, there's nothing more exciting than combine a dentist visit with chocolate! Dentists love it when we eat tons of sweets!

While I worked and Bo napped, Mike made the Graham's run for all of the chocolate that is needed for these heavy duty cookies.

On Sunday night, Mike and I tackled making the cookies after Bo was in bed. First, I measured out the dry ingredients and melted the chocolate with butter for the dough part of the chunker.

I blended the eggs, sugar, and vanilla. Then I added the melted chocolate mixture, and finally, I added the dry ingredients. All in my lovely, KitchenAid. God's gift -- I'm tellin' ya.
Mike was a sweetheart and chopped the chocolate and peanuts for me. Since these are chunkers, I needed chunks. Oh, the irony.
Finally, I was able to combine all of the crunchies and the dough to make a very rich looking cookie dough. I scooped heaping tablespoons onto the cookie sheets and shoved these bad boys into the oven.
I ended up with some really chocolatey chunkers!! These are RICH!! Definitely a cookie you'll want a big glass of milk with!! I couldn't eat more than one. Mike had two and said, "These aren't a cookie, they're a meal." I asked if I could quote him. Of course, he said yes.

Ridin' in the Car! Plus 10% off Britax Carseats!

So much to say, and so much that I can't say --- yet...

Instead, a video of Bo riding in the car. You'll notice his Britax carseat. We absolutely love it - this is the khaki crocodile print. I did a lot of research and decided that the Marathon looked like the best safety option. Amazon is currently offering 10% off all Brixtax products to Sticky Feet readers. Click here to receive the discount. Offer ends September 21.

All About Me...

I wanted to answer many of these with "Bo" or "my son". I restrained myself and only did that for a few...

I am proud of my ability to…
juggle multiple tasks and goals at once and do it well.

I am amazed by…
Bo. I still can't believe he is ours.

I am blessed with…
a wonderful family.

I am a sucker for…
chocolate.

I am freaked out by…
aspects of my life that are outside of my control.

I am calmed by…
massages, reading, and sleep.

I am always up for…
going out to eat.

I am ready to…
start the next phase of my life.

I am excited by…
what the future may hold.

I am baffled by…
judgemental parenting.

I am fascinated by…
politics.

I am listening to…
rain dripping outside.

I am intrigued by…
the way a baby's brain functions.

I am challenged by…
my life. Daily.

I am extremely fond of…
my yearbook girls.

I am wild about…
my hubby.

I am tickled by…
Bo wearing jeans and big boy shoes.

I am humbled by…
death.

I am honored by…
knowing that I have a special place in this world.

I am amused by…
people who think their way is the only way.

I am impatient with…
the paths I am waiting to embark upon. (apon? upon? ??)

I am scared of…
failure.

I am proudest of…
Bo.

I am waiting for…
that fateful phone call.

I am unsure of…
where life will take me next.

I am thrilled by…
all of the fun things I will be able to do with Bo as he grows older.

I am guilty of…
not exercising enough.

I am oblivious to…
the every day aspects of life. Everything is so routine I don't even think about a lot of it.

I am distracted by…
real work. :)

I am totally honest about…
everything. Blatantly so. Sometimes to my demise.

I am embarrassed by…
the fact that my BIL/SIL read all of my old blog. They know way too much about my uterus.

I am awed by…
the way babies are made.

I am tired of…
working so much.

I am a bit of a…
neat freak.

I am totally secure when…
I am with my immediate family. I know they won't judge me.

I am curious about…
how long it will stay warm enough for Bo and I to walk to and from Grammie's/school.

I am greatly comforted by…
the fact that there are some things I really don't have to worry about.

I am surprised by…
how different being a mom is than what I expected it to be.

I am shy about…
nothing. I pretty much tell it all.

I am lost without…
underwear.

I am influenced by…
my own morals and values.

September 11, 2001

Where were you on September 11th? It's worth remembering.

My day started out like any other. It was a Tuesday so I had a full day of classes. I was up at the crack of dawn to shower and drive the hour to Charleston for my 8 am class. I had managed to schedule all of my classes that semester on Tuesday and Thursday so I only had to drive two days a week. My classes were from 8am to 4:45pm with no breaks.

My first class was a social studies methods class. We were none the wiser and had a normal class that day. But it was on my way to my second class that others conversations were starting to catch my attention. I went to my second class, and we carried on as usual. The professor must not have known what was going on. As I walked back to Coleman Hall from my Geography class there was an obvious buzz. Something was happening, but I couldn't pinpoint what.

My professor didn't show up for my Health Economics class that day, so I headed next door to Taylor Hall, a dorm where I had lived during the previous two years. In the lobby, gathered around the big screen TV were more students than I had ever seen in such a small area. Despite a few whispers, everyone was quiet. My first glimpse of the TV showed a plane crashing into the World Trade Center. I remember thinking, "a plane crashed, huh?" After a few more minutes of watching, I suddenly understood. No wonder everyone was all abuzz.

My next two classes were with Mike. We were just friends at the time. We had previous classes together and had been casual acquaintances for about a year. I headed to the hallway to wait for him to show up. He found me sitting on the floor eating a Snickers bar. A typical lunch during that period of my life. We sat in the hall and chatted while we waited for our next class.

Mike and I sat next to each other in both of these classes. It all started on the first day when he sat in the back in the first class, a freshman level history class that we both just managed to find time in our schedules to take as seniors. That fateful day I beckoned him to the front of the room with the words, "Seniors stick together." From that moment on, we sat next to each other, in the front row, in our last two classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

We went to our first class together, but the professor never showed up. We turned on the TV in the classroom to watch the news coverage and sat and talked through the entire class. We went next door for our last class of the day and continued our conversation. When we realized the professor wasn't going to show up for this class either, we decided to head home. An hour in opposite directions. Before we left, I asked for Mike's email address. He wrote it on a blue post-it note that is downstairs in a box with other dating memorabilia.

It was because of September 11. Because our professors were too shocked to teach class. Because it gave us time to talk for more than a few minutes in the hallway that I finally had the courage to ask for his email. Not his phone number mind you, his email. I wouldn't be brave enough to ask for the phone number until Halloween! And ugh, what a disaster that was!

The very next day, various forwards started to circulate regarding September 11. I forwarded one to Mike with a note saying I thought he might find it interesting. And so began our emailing, which quickly morphed us from "just friends" to the most complicated relationship I have ever had.

I did not know anyone who died on September 11th. However, I do understand the historical impact and the significance of the event. And while September 11 was one of the worst days our country has seen, it was one of the best days of my life. Seven years ago today, I started down this path. The path that has led to marriage, to a son, and to so many things that I could never have imagined.

Wordless Wednesday: Swinging From the Cell

This picture was taken about a month ago from my cellphone at a local park. It is totally unedited. Not bad for a cellphone, huh?

More Wordless Wednesday here.

Tuesdays with Dorie: Chocolate Whopper Malted Drops

This week's recipe was selected by Rachel at Confessions of a Tangerine Tart. For a copy of the full recipe, click over to Rachel's blog or buy the book, Baking: From My Home to Yours by Dorie Greenspan.

Here's the dough. Isn't it beautiful in my Kitchen Aid. (Have I mentioned how much you need a mixer like this? Wow. It's like heaven for any baker.)

After the dough was ready I scooped it out on to the parchment. I was happy that there was no refridgeration needed for these. Last week's cookies took patience -- which is not a virtue I have!!
Here are the cookies on the cooling rack.
Yum!
As always, these cookies are Bo approved!

Mike wasn't a big fan of these cookies. He thought they were too cake-like. My mom ate one bite and didn't want any more... Not her type of cookie either. To avoid the nickname, Thunderina (for my huge thighs after eating an entire batch of cookies myself), I took them to school where they were a hit with teachers and yearbook girls.

Or at least I think they were -- I brought home an empty container...

Sarah Palin: Part Deux

I have to admit, I wrote the original post about Sarah Palin to stir up debate. And that it did. Thursday was one of the highest traffic days my blog has seen and I have Sarah Palin to thank for that.

I'll also admit to being infatuated with this topic. I love politics. I love watching the conventions, studying the candidates, and reading all of the spin regarding the election.

On top of all of that, nothing makes me happier than a good debate. A heated argument among friends. My grandpa taught me early on how to play the devil's advocate and I use those techniques often in my classroom -- to encourage my students to think outside of the proverbial box, or maybe I should say to encourage them to think at all... I hate it when people are apathetic. And I'd much rather you have an opinion that isn't the same as mine than not have an opinion at all.

Talking about politics makes me wish Grandpa was here... I'd love to hear his take on this year's election. Even though I have a feeling the argument would end with me storming out of the house because after repeated requests he wouldn't stop using the "n" word.

When it comes down to it, my ideology has changed greatly, and I'm not exactly sure why. This is the first election since I became infertile. It's the first election since I started the blog. And, most importantly, it's the first election since I became a mom. It'd be crazy for me to deny that these events have changed my way of thinking. They have changed me exponentially and there is no going back...

Infertility changed my view on stem cell research completely. It changed the way I look at health care. Starting the blog has changed how I view the media, what I feel is newsworthy, and how I feel information should be conveyed. Becoming a mom has changed my opinion of what it takes to be a good parent. It changed my view of SAHM's and WAHM's. It's shifted my priorities in ways that I didn't realize were possible. And these are just the changes that relate to my ideology.

The issue that everyone is hammering me for is the issue that I feel that Sarah Palin is going against conservative ideals by choosing to run for office instead of being home with her family.

First, let me state, that this is totally HER CHOICE. I am just stating my opinion about it. Which well... in the scheme of things - doesn't matter. She's made the choice to run and that is what she is doing. I guess the reason I brought it up in the first place is that it just isn't what I would choose to do...

I'll be the first to admit that even a year ago, I would have felt differently about this issue. Before I was a mom I had a very negative view of SAHM's. And while I still realize that being a SAHM isn't for me (leaning heavily toward the WAHM side currently), I also realize what an awesome responsibility and undertaking it is to be a mother in ways that I never understood or appreciated before I became a mother myself.

And I guess the real issue is, this is what Gov. Palin has chosen to do with her life and I could have made the same decisions. I see the similarities... With a few tweaks to my life plan I know that I could end up in a political office (first step would be to make this blog private....) but I have different priorities. And even before infertility, before motherhood, my priorities were still different. One of the many reasons I took a teaching job instead of continuing to law school was that teaching fits so well with raising a family. I want to be there for my child and be a working mom, and I knew that before I even became a mother.

I also scoff at the idea that this is a sexist or partisan based argument. If Barack Obama had a 4 month old at home I'd have the same feelings. There is a time and a place for everything. When you have young children your focus, Mommy or Daddy needs to be on them. At the same time, if you've parented, you know that especially during the first 6 months, and even more so if you are breastfeeding, being a mom is a lot more difficult and time-consuming than being a dad. (I'll be the first to admit that work distribution does get better, but those first few months with late night feedings, those are the months that make Mom's so amazing.)

I don't like the idea of children being under the public eye in any form -- celebrity, political, etc. I wouldn't do that to my children. One person left in the comments on my last post the idea that we can have it all -- just not all at once. And I think this is a great statement. The fact is, she probably just couldn't see how she could turn down an opportunity like this one. And I see that too. I say yes often, when I should say no.

Just because I'm a working mom myself doesn't mean that it's crazy for me to have these thoughts and feelings. Being a part-time teacher is a lot different than being Vice President of the United States. Just for the campaign, Palin will be traveling all over the country and will probably rarely sleep, more or less have time to spend with her family. If elected, she'll be traveling all over the world. It's obvious that being involved in politics is stressful, but being involved at this level will be stressful for her family as well.

A man who told me, just a few years ago. that one of the main problems with American is that we have lost our morals and values and one of the best ways to regain them is to have mothers in the home (And lectured me for hours about how smart a pageant contestant was when she answered a question at our local county fair about how life should be more like it was in the 50's with more mothers in the home) doesn't see the connections when I make the argument that Palin shouldn't be running for Vice President right now. In an argument this week, he said to me, "don't you want to restore morals to our country?" My response -- it starts with the parents, not the government. The colonial idea of Republican Motherhood -- where moms can have the most impact in the home -- maybe that isn't far from the truth...

I respect the fact that many of you have opinions that are different from mine. This world would be a boring place if we all agreed on everything. Election years wouldn't be nearly as entertaining. But at the same time, I resent being ridiculed just because my opinion isn't the same as yours. I researched the candidate. I thought about my own life and experiences. I am educated woman. And this is how I feel. I respect that it may not be how you feel and I respect that it must not be how Sarah Palin feels but that doesn't mean that my thoughts are blatantly wrong.

Probably my biggest issue with society (besides apathy) is when one tries to say that their way is the only way. Look at the world and you can plainly see that YOUR way is not the ONLY way. This is what I believe. And honestly, I don't care if you agree with me, but don't expect that you're going to change my mind by reacting in negative ways. The saying that you catch more flies with honey is definitely true in this case.

People in our society try to force their ideas of what is right on others -- they try to force religion, partisan politics, and moral values on others. They don't stop to think that maybe there are reasons why people feel the way they do or to even consider walking a mile in someone else's shoes. I don't always do this either, but I certainly try... And that is why I respect that this is her decision and her choice. Despite the fact that it isn't the choice I would make, doesn't make it wrong. Just as the fact that my opinion is different from yours doesn't make it wrong.

*Disclaimer - this post was written in about 10 minutes after grading about a million papers. I'm brain dead but I wanted to get my thoughts out there before this is old news since Tuesday and Wednesday's posts are already spoken for.*

Fall

This morning feels like the first real fall day. A chill in the air this morning as we read the paper on the porch reminded me that we will be pulling out our sweaters soon. It motivated me put up our autumn decorations, bake a squash (for Bo), and a pumpkin pie. All the while, I couldn't help but marvel at how much I love fall.

I think my love for the season began when I was a child and first saw Winnie the Pooh's Blustery Day. The leaves blowing in the wind. Tigger bouncing through the forest. What's not to love?

Probably one of the best parts of living in the Midwest is that we are able to see all of the seasons in all of their glory. We experience the nasty heat of summer, the beautiful hues of fall, just enough snow in the winter, and a gorgeous spring. All of the seasons have specific memories that I will forever link with them -- specific foods that taste best when prepared during the appropriate season - holidays and celebrations that just wouldn't feel right if they were in a different season.

I'll admit to always feeling a bit melancholy this time of year because I was unable to have my fall wedding. Mike and I originally planned to be married on Halloween -- and then I screwed up our plans but I wasn't willing to postpone our wedding a full year. So Valentine's it was -- but I still mourn the beautiful fall wedding I dreamed of -- the pumpkins and gourds lining the table. The Halloween treat bags. Even the pumpkin colored bridesmaids dresses I so adored. Alas, that was never meant to be but I'm thrilled that Bo is a late fall baby. Thrilled that I now have a new holiday to enjoy in the middle of Halloween and Thanksgiving.

When I think of fall, there are so many aspects of the season that make me happy. The beautiful hues, the crunchy sound of leaves, the smell of spiced cider. Just thinking about fall makes me crave Mike's chili and Bears football.

Roll back the clock to 6 years ago -- before Mike and I were even engaged...







We were young and cute - amazing how life can age one so quickly... My tummy will never look like that again -- no matter how many sit-ups I do!

On the day these photos were taken we enjoyed a Sunday afternoon at the pumpkin patch and then continued on to Fox Ridge State Park to play in the leaves.

Six years later, we're married, we've lived in the same home and worked at the same jobs for five years, and most importantly, we've been blessed with a son. While our life has been good, it's also taken paths I could never have imagined when the photographs above were taken.

I can't wait to introduce Bo to fall -- from the fun of jumping in the leaves to the taste of pumpkin pie -- I hope he'll love it just as much as I do.

More Info on Sarah Palin

While I continue gathering my thoughts on the subject, here is a link to some of the most interesting political commentaries I've found this week -- all written by Moms.

http://svmomblog.typepad.com/chicago_moms/2008/09/this-weeks-hot.html

And if you're not into the political scene, don't worry -- I'll be back with my standard cookie recipes and Bo pictures shortly. :) As a woman with a master's in poli sci, this just isn't a topic I can stay away from!

I'm Morphing into an English Teacher

I'll be the first to admit that I'm not a stellar writer. I don't always proofread the blog and I definitely don't proofread the comments I write. But when it really matters -- I do know the proper way to write. I just tend to write like I speak in the blogosphere, which unfortunately has a Southern Illinois twang.

That said, I am totally appalled by this poster which is displayed in the hallways of my school, around the community, and was distributed for a second time in the newspaper last night.

Sarah Palin *Conversation is ongoing in the comments*

I was born and raised a conservative Republican. I was even chairwoman for our local party for a short period of time. I stood at the state fair and proudly declared "I am a Republican." I wore George W. Bush shirts to all of my college classes during the 2000 election and was proud of it. I was so excited that I couldn't study for finals when George W. Bush finally became president in December of 2000.

Somewhere along the line, something has changed - this year, I'll be voting for Obama. It's been said that one becomes more liberal with more education. Maybe my professors warped me. Maybe it's my discontent with many of the policies that Dubya has implemented. Many of my ideals haven't changed -- but at the same time, I find myself unable to vote for a McCain/Palin ticket.

I've never been a John McCain fan, for a variety of reasons. But for me, Sarah Palin was the nail in the coffin. There is no way I can support this woman...

Sure, she's a woman. I'm a woman. Shouldn't I want to vote for her to show all of the strides that women are making in society? The answer is no. She isn't qualified. She doesn't have enough experience, and most importantly, she has a family that needs her.

I could go on and on about how being on the PTA, being 2nd runner up to Miss Alaska, being mayor of a town the size of my hometown, and being governor for less than 2 years does not qualify someone to be the VP of the United States. But I won't even go into all of that...

The fact of the matter is, this woman has 5 children. Her youngest child is 4 months old, has downs syndrome, and is still breastfeeding. Her daughter, Bristol, is a senior in high school and pregnant.

No matter what your political views, if you're a mom, you have to think that Sarah Palin is needed at home much more than she is needed by our country.

Some of you will argue that we expect men to go back to work and hold high profile positions and I agree -- it isn't fair to women that more is expected of them when it comes to parenting. But the fact of the matter is, we do. I do. Because nothing is more important than raising amazing young people, than being a good parent, for men and women. At least nothing is more important to me...

And I know first hand that it's difficult to balance a normal career (teaching) with one child. And that is with a supportive husband and grandparents. I can't imagine trying to balance being vice-president with five children...

Sure, if she's VP, she'll hire help. But at what cost? Obviously her family is already under a great deal of stress. Doesn't electing someone like Sarah Palin go against conservative ideals?

Wordless Wednesday: Swimmin' at Gpa and Gma's

More Wordless Wednesday here.

Tuesdays With Dorie: Chunky Peanut Butter and Oatmeal Chocolate Chipsters

This week's recipe was chosen by Stefany of Proceed with Caution. To see the full recipe, click over to her blog or buy the book, Baking: From My Home to Yours by Dorie Greenspan. I did all of the first stages -- measuring the dry ingredients, adding the wet ingredients, you get the idea. None of it was very pretty. Then I put it all in the Kitchen Aid. (Have I mentioned how much you need a Kitchen Aid mixer? I love it!) It wasn't very pretty either. :)
After chilling the dough for two hours (two hours is a long time when you want cookies!!) I rolled the dough into balls and flattened with my palm. That Dorie, she's just so descriptive!
Finally, 4 hours after I started, I had cookies. And they were worth it. Definitely a new family favorite! They remind me a lot of monster cookies -- only without the M & M's.
They were pretty. And oh so good!
Bo did not try these cookies -- he can't have peanut butter yet. But he wants to encourage all of you to click over to Tuesday's with Dorie and see all of the other pretty cookies!