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As the days pass, I'm getting more use to the idea, but there are about a million reasons why a twin pregnancy scares me. Heck, a singleton pregnancy still scares me, but with twins, there just seems to be so much more on the table.
It isn't that I don't appreciate this. I do. I know that children are a blessing. But I'm also not Octomom. I realize that there are numerous challenges that face us in the coming months if we truly are blessed with twins. I'm not naive enough to think that just having children is a solution. We have to be able to take care of these children and give them all that we can. Which isn't as simple as putting a Lunchable in front of them and turning on the TV.
So, instead, I worry. A lot. It's what I do. And here are my top 10 reasons I'm worried about having twins.
1. Complications.
Twin pregnancies have a great deal more that can go wrong. There is a possibility I could be put on bedrest. The pregnancy itself is much more risky.
Taking care of one newborn is a lot of work. There is no doubt about that. Taking care of two newborns and a child who won't even be 2 yet -- well, that is insanity.
3. Outside help.
My mom is great and I really appreciate that she watches Bo for a few hours every day while I work. That said, those few hours always seem to wear her out. While she is very excited about the idea of twins I don't think she has really thought about what that will mean. Other than my mom, there is no one else to help. Sure, the in-laws will visit, but it isn't the same as day to day help that will allow me time to work (and breathe -- but that is probably asking too much...)
4. A Mother's work is never done.
I remember the frustration that built within me when Bo was a newborn. The fact that I was the one getting up at night, caring for him all day, not to mention doing laundry, putting dinner on the table, and working part-time. While Mike got to sleep and go to work. Work seems like a break compared to parenting. And it's not that Mike isn't a good Dad. He is. He is very helpful. But when children are born, Mom just takes the brunt of it. While Dad's life changes in some ways, Mom's life is totally different. Mom is the one who has to worry about where the child is constantly. Mom is the one who gives up her career. Mom is the one who loses her body for months (in my case, we're going on years...). It did get better as Bo has gotten older and even easier since I stopped breastfeeding. But add two newborns to that mix and it's obvious that we have to live in a place where Mike can be home more if I'm not going to totally lose my mind.
5. The thought of never being able to leave the house again.
How will I ever go anywhere? I won't be able to just run to the store with three kids until they are much bigger. I am not sure I even have the arm strength to carry the two bucket car seats, plus, with both of those, how will I even hold Bo's hand?? Ugh.
6. Money.
We've been both lucky and smart in that we've already started college savings for Bo as well as other types of investments so that he will be able to go to a good school and have a decent car when he turns 16. Money will become much more difficult to come by not only for things like college and cars, but for everyday essentials if we add two additional children to our family. I know that we will be able to provide the basics, but I have always wanted to be able to give my kids more than that. I want them to wear nice clothes, go on fun vacations, and not have to worry about where the money for college is coming from.
7. Housing.
We will definitely need a bigger house. We will need at least 5 bedrooms (one for each child, one for us, and a guest room for the in-laws - plus living area for my mom, depending on what she decides to do). We will need a bigger eating area with room for more high chairs. I will need an office if there is any hope of me trying to get work done with three little ones in the house. Most likely, before these babies are born, Mike will be transferring somewhere which will give us the opportunity to look for this bigger home. However, bigger homes cost more money which conflicts with all of the money we need to be saving for college funds.
8. My career.
On the surface this may seem like a selfish reason, but truly it is not. In order to have all the money we will need in #6 to care for these children in the way that I deem appropriate, I'll need to return to work even more rapidly, but at the same time how on earth do I do that with three small children at home? I'll have to make pretty decent money to justify childcare costs for three children. Not to mention I at least want to attempt to breastfeed for the first year, which makes returning to work more difficult.
9. Sleep.
Until you have a child, it's impossible to understand what a gift sleep is. And we've been lucky that Bo has become an amazing sleeper. How on earth will I manage to balance the needs of three children, a home, work, plus find time for things like sleep, exercise, etc.? There will be no sleep. There will definitely be no such thing as "me time."
10. Logistics.
I just don't see how it will be possible to do anything with two newborns and a nearly 2 year old. I am going to be totally housebound for at least the first year. This does not thrill me. Not to mention the extra set of arms I'm going to need to acquire. And the challenges of tandem breastfeeding and entertaining a 2 year old at the same time. It should be quite the experience.
Everyone I talk to is "so excited" for us. And yes, on the surface, twins are quite exciting. But I don't think many people really think about the actual changes and challenges that twins will bring to our lives. Will it be worth it? I'm sure it will. Will I want to jump off a cliff at some point during this journey? I'll bet you $100 dollars I will.
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55 comments:
Babe,
You know how you do it?
You just do.
It sounds so stupid, and I promise I'm not being patronizing. You just will make it. Twins are hard work, yes, but as babies they're easier to handle than when they are toddlers, by which time Bo will be much older and easier to deal with. Handling the babies means you'll come up with inventive solutions - Moby wraps and slings will become your best friend as it frees up hands. If you get the little ones into routines as early as possible, then they'll have the same cycles. Mine started sleeping through the night at 3 months, there's no reason yours can't do similar, especially as Bo is a good sleeper.
If you need twin help, let me know.
You can do this.
Helen
Everyday Stranger
I have no idea what you are going to be going through but my sister had twins first and she made me determine I didn't want twins. My good friend had a 3 year old when she had her twins last year. I can tell you my friend said that she was glad she had another child first because she at least knew what to expect with a newborn so it was somewhat "easier".
I am one of those people who are excited for you but I don't have to do it. If someone told me right now I was pregnant with twins I think I would probably cry til I was nine months pregnant and they came out, then I would stop to love on them in the hospital and then cry again once we got home.
I believe we live in the same state too bad it is just not closer, playdates would be fun :-)
Like always you have a problem with over thinking everything.
Twins will be alot of work but I am sure your husband and mom will help you..I don't think it is going to be as bad as you think.
Try taking it one step at a time...
Your family loves you and will be willing to assist.
i'm not even really sure what to say, or if i should say anything to you at this point. but DAYCARE! there is nothing wrong with a good organized daycare facility. if you ever want to have any kind of "career" in the future, i think you're going to need to hire a nanny or get your name on the daycare waiting list. millions of children are being "raised" by daycare these days, while their parents are making hard earned money. that is just a little piece of advise from me.
Jamie I know exactly what you mean by all of this! When I had my successful IVF cycle that produced my now 9-month old son I was a little disappointed it wasn't twins. now I wonder how anyone does it with twins! Though my mom gave birth to identical twins when I was 15 months old and somehow she managed. You do have the energy of youth on your side.
I grew up in a family of 4. We had lots of nice things growing up, got nice cars when we turned 16 and all went to the college of our choosing without having to take out loans or have jobs. But for most of our childhood we lived in a 3 bedroom house. I realize you need the extra space for your mom, but a 5 bedroom house plus a suite for your mom is not something you have to have. I actually think it's good for children to share rooms. Just thought I'd pipe in here because this is probably one of the most expensive items on your list.
I will likely be doing a FET within the next year (I'm unexplained and am trying naturally for the rest of 2009) and I am worried about the possibility of twins. We live in the city and would have to move out if we had twins, because a 3 bedroom apartment is just too expensive. We would possibly even consider moving back down south to the towns both my and my husbands' parents live in, because we have no family here and I'm not sure we could handle that on our own.
All that said, my husband really wants three and this may be the only way we'd get it (because I won't be doing any more ART after transferring the frozens I have), so maybe it would be a good thing.
Best of luck navigating this. I know the pregnancy hormones and general first trimester ickiness don't help. maybe later this week you could do a 10 good things about having twins.
As always you will make the best of the situation and you will be the best.
While you may worry about everything I am sure you will come up with solutions to make it work out.
Just imagine the joy you will have in your lives, Bo is the beginning and he is a joy!
Times three how super!
Your Mike will be there for you, he is the best and you do have family both related and extended!! Now believe me when I say I have no idea what lies ahead, my cousin {who is blonde:]) is doing a great job with her twins, so I have no doubt you will.
One word of advice though.....flexible. Something you must include in your vocabulary, I think:).
I believe in you Jamie and always will!!
One thing I will warn you about is how incredibly fast time will pass! One day at a time is my Mantra!
Good Luck!
Okay, take a deep breath! I remember feeling the same way when I found out I was pregnant with number two when number one was only 5 months old- then we added my four year old stepson in the mix (I adopted him) and I thought there is no way! But there is. You will be tired, you will feel inadequate at times but you can do it and believe it or not you'll be good at it. Because loving your kids is the number one priority and you've already got that one down with Bo. (((Hugs)))
hey jamie
when my mom found out it would be twins, she was shocked, scared and just out of her mind.
my grandpa told her: where we can bring one child through the day, we certainly get 2 through.- and they did.
don't worry to much jamie, at the end of the day, you'll notice you did good
greetings fabienne
I don't have twins, but I have spent the last 13 months caring for the next best thing. Trust me, you can do it. You won't be housebound for the next year. You may not get out as much early on, but you will get out. 2 carriers, not a lot of fun, but doable.
If you know any moms of twins, go have a cup of coffee with one and they will help settle some of your worries.
With twins I am sure your friends and family will be willing to help, if you ask. If you go to church, I am sure the women there will be dying for the opportunity to help.
You won't have to have a 5 bedroom house. I lived with 5 sibilings in a 3 bedroom, 1100 square foot house until age 13. Was it fun? Not all the time, but we didn't know any different. I shared a room with 2 sisters until my sophomore year of college. Sometimes it was annoying, but we also have a lot of good memories.
Also, having 5 siblings, my parents didn't pay for our college or first car, but I never felt deprived. Our vacations were usually to visit family or something fairly local, but we had lots of neat experiences. You will discover ways to make the best of it.
Here is a link to check out: http://www.geocities.com/iomotc/ It is the Mom of Twins club of IL. I am sure they have lots of tips for you.
I think it is normal to be worried. If you were only carrying one baby you would have a lot of the same worries.
Hey there, visiting from ICLW
My beta numbers in the beginning suggested a possible twin oncoming, it wasn't but I thought of those same fears - they're totally legit.
But ya know, now that I'm having just one, I still have those same sort of fears in a way. I'm diving in with faith!!
Good luck!
Not to throw more advice your way... but I think it's great you are thinking about all of these things now. Gotta process it so you can move forward. Since our situation is somewhat similar (10 month old twins & a 15 month old) I can tell you that if you get those babies on a schedule from the beginning, your life will not be as crazy hectic as you are thinking right now. A schedule is key in my book. It will give you time to do the things you need to do. Some people think we're too strict about our schedule - but they don't walk in our shoes! It works for us and for the babies. Like Helen, if you need help - you know where to find me!! :)
Ohymygod - get over yourself already! You have to have at least a 5-bedroom house and an office?? Sure, it would be nice, but not even remotely necessary. Are you saying you have a mother who watches your child for free while you go to work? And she's offering to watch your twins too, presumably for free? No wonder you can afford this fancy lifestyle you feel is a must - you'll be saving $30k a year in daycare! You are not the first person to have 3 kids under the age of 2 - you're probably not even the first person on your block. And as for all your friends wishing you well and saying how exciting it is... well, what the heck do you want them to say?? I'm betting you're the type that would be totally offended if someone were to say you were going to be exhausted and miserable. I hope you read my comments and actually listen to them rather than have a knee-jerk reaction of offense. Sometimes people need to be told to quit their bitching and get over themselves - and clearly, you do if this stuff is really causing you this much concern. There are plenty of wonderful parents who don't have 5-bedroom homes or private college funds or who use daycare - you can be one too. Don't be so quick to judge everything.
You'll figure it out and make it work. I think you're a SuperMom so I have oodles of faith in you.
However, if it were me? I'd be freaking out so I can definitely see where you're coming from. :)
I keep saying I am "excited and completely frightened" (for all the reasons you mention)
A few responses to the comments.
1. We do pay my mom for childcare. She watches Bo for 3-4 hours per day, usually 4 days of the week and we pay her $50 per week. This is the going rate in our area for childcare.
2. Yes, I realize that a 5 bedroom house is not a necessity. But it would be nice to have with a family this size. That doesn't mean it will happen.
One of the many things I use this blog for is to vent about my worries and to work through the issues that I find frustrating by writing about them. It doesn't mean it's going to all work out that way or that this is the ONLY thing that I am thinking about right now. There is more to a person than one post. More to a person than a blog. And therefore I would encourage everyone not to be so quick to judge me (or anyone else) based on one post, or on a blog, or anything.
These are my worries and I feel justified to be worried about these things. It's how I work through things. It's how I find the way to the other side. I am sure your worries are different, but don't judge me until you've walked in my shoes.
Sorry that you misunderstood my post. Obviously, those are your worries and it's your blog. I'm just trying to let you know that it's okay to not have a perfect life. I wish I'd have someone call me on some of my when I neuroses as a young Mom - I spent a lot of time worrying about things I didn't need to.
ps- there's no way less than $4 an hour is the going rate for childcare in your area - unless you don't live in America. Federal minimum wage is over $7. Of course, if you use your Mother illegally and pay her under the table, then you can pay her whatever you want. But don't kid yourself that you're being fair - you're getting an enormous gift from her (even if she doesn’t realize it).
In our area, childcare is usually between 100-125 per child, per week (8-5 -5 days/week). Yes, I live in a very rural area. We do not pay my mom under the table, we pay her and claim it as part of our Dependent Care plan that we sign up for each year for tax savings on health care and child care.
That said, yes, it is a gift and I am so glad that she is able to watch him a few hours a day so that I can continue to keep a foot in my career. For numerous reasons I haven't felt comfortable with daycare up to this point but I realize that may need to be an option down the road. My mom is by far the best choice to watch him when I can't be with him. She loves him completely and that makes me feel very confident in her care.
Hi again Jamie- I hope that my post didn't come across as judgemental on the 5 BR house. I totally get the gist of this post and as a long time reader I know how down to earth you are. You will be a great mom to these twins; I'm sure within 6 months you will be the twin mom blogger expert! Take care.
Sticky vibes to you, whether it be a singleton or twins.
ICLW
P.S. Where did you get this super awesome blogger layout, complete with tabbed pages? I thought that was only a wordpress feature!
i understand the "excited yet completely terrified feeling" - i think it comes along with parenthood regardless of how many you have! best best best wishes to you - and you'll make it out of the house! :)
I just had to weigh in on the comments about the cost of childcare in our area. I live in the same town as Jamie and when I was working, I paid one provider $75 per week (not under the table, she was licensed and perfectly legit) and another $15 per day. This was the amount these providers charged for full-time care.
I also think it's pretty crappy to post anonymously. If you have 'advice' to dispense, at least sign your name to it.
I totally understand some of your fears and I only have 2 total kids. When #2 was born and #1 was a very challenging 18 months old, I was petrified and totally unsure of myself. #1 is nearing 20 months and #2 is now 7 weeks and I can tell you we're slowly getting the hang of it. It is a TON of work every day and it makes having just one seem like a piece of cake. I definitely have my moments of hating being a SAHM, wishing I had it "easy" like DH does being able to go to work every day. (I know he doesn't have it easy...it just feels like that sometimes). A lot of it, for me, has been learning to let go of things that just aren't going to get done right now, no matter how hard I try. You will learn to get through it..I can tell by reading your blog that you are creative, inventive and determined. All of those qualities will be essential in figuring out how to manage all of your little ones!!
I don't have any advice for the money and house thing other than that I can tell you that I'm a twin and most of the time my sister and I wanted to share a room, even though we had the option to have our own rooms. So you might not need a bedroom for each of them, at least not for quite a while.
And not all twin pregnancies have complications--hopefully yours will be healthy and uneventful!! :)
Sorry you are getting icky comments...
I think that we all worry about those kids of things...and I sure that sometimes it's enough to just get things off your chest...also know that those burdens are not your burden alone...you share them with your husband...don't forget to lean on him when needed...
We also did not have all the wonderful things growing up...honestly, I had to work during college and I feel that I am better for it...for many reasons...including the fact that I had something to put on my first resume...I think all parents want it all for their children but quickly realize that it's not possible...
I agree with the post about doing a top ten reason why having twins is awesome...it may make you smile...
Take care and don't mind the trolls...
The going rate at a licensed daycare may very well be what you said - but that's at a center (or a private home) where costs are spread out among more than one child so people make more than min wage. It seems as if this mother is a Nanny and as such, her wages are regulated by Federal rules and regulations - like medicare, SS, and a min wage of about $8 an hour. And you pay her under the table unless you follow all those Federally established guidelines regardless of if you claim her wages in your flex-spending or not.
And my name is Ann. Not scared to say my name, just seemed easier to select that in her drop-down box.
I send you sticky vibes, no matter the outcome. I understand venting your fears...
ICLW
http://ecfr.gpoaccess.gov/cgi/t/text/text-idx?c=ecfr&sid=ca382fd0937bd273690005ac350e04ad&rgn=div6&view=text&node=45:1.0.1.1.57.6&idno=45
"Lead Agencies may exempt:
(A) Children who are cared for by relatives (defined as grandparents, great grandparents, siblings (if living in a separate residence), aunts, and uncles);"
FYI. :)
Now I'm off for the day to play with my son. "Ann" I hope you are doing the same. You obviously need some love in your life.
I'm not here to advise or judge. I just love the heck out of you :)
Truly, if anyone in the world was ever able to make this work, you are. No one, including you, can ever understand what a truly amazing woman you are. Amazing mom, amazing wife, amazing counselor, amazing teacher, amazing friend.
Love to ALL of you! (at least it isn't triplets ;)
You've got to start somewhere, and having this list is as good as any. It sounds like you have located all your fears and are prepared to handle them, one at a time. Good luck with all the preparations, I am sure that you will handle three just as well as one.
You know, that's not a nice thing to say to me at all. I have a husband and 2 wonderful children and lots of love in my life. I was genuinely trying to help you. You said you were worried about all these things and I was trying to tell you not to worry about it. As I said earlier - if you misunderstood my post, I'm sorry.
Unfortunately, the link you posted has nothing to do with your situation. That is an archival link to the codes for how Lead Agencies can qualify for money from the Child Care and Development Fund. You are incorrect if you think that family members can care for a child and be exempt from Federal regulations such as SS, medicare, etc. If you have a child under the age of 18 that you are paying to care for another child, there are some exemptions to that. But anyone (including your Mom) that gets paid on a regular basis (over $1,600 per year, I think) to care for your child is considered a Nanny and subject to Federal regulations. If you're not paying those taxes, she must be filing a Schedule-C and SE with her returns since you put her SS# on your taxes in order to claim the payments on your flex spending. If she is, she's paying a pretty hefty percent of the money you pay her in taxes. If she's not, you both had better be very careful as this would be tax evasion. Doubt the IRS is going to do too much about it as it’s a very minimal amount, but it's illegal so they could. And if you are indicating her SS# on your paperwork, then the IRS knows that her return should indicate this as income and she could get hit. Google Nanny Tax and you’ll come across a gazillion articles telling you this. If you still doubt it, consult a tax advisor.
Personally, I'd be thrilled to have a Mother able to watch my child for that low a rate and would also pay under the table (though miss out on the flex-spending). However, just be aware that's what you’re doing. Accept that you’re getting a great deal and saving a ton of money this way – in addition to the comfort you’re personally getting by having your child with your Mom.
Ann
Ann can suck it.
You have done a good job of being logical with your feelings and concerns. In the end, you will make it work and your kids will be lucky to have a mom who puts so much thought into things.
Allow me to take some of the stress from you: Let me name them! :)
Ann can suck it.
You have been very logical with your feelings and concerns. No matter how this works out - kids, house, jobs etc., your kids are lucky to have a mom who thinks about them and their futures.
i'm wondering if a real live tax advisor reads this blog and would like to comment on the tax issues discussed....
Jamie - As someone who is about to embark on another IVF for a second baby, I completely understand your feelings about twins after having "just" one. As vague and Pollyanna as it sounds, I just know that all will work out okay. You will probably be (even more) exhausted all the time but you will have so much joy in your life you might not even miss your sleep. Yeah right! :) Your blog is the perfect forum for you to share your misgivings and feelings.
I don't know why I am still talking about this... I guess because I pride myself on being as open and honest as possible on the blog. I don't have anything to hide.
My mom does pay into Social Security so that is a moot point. She actually wants to pay into Social Security because she is a retired teacher. In the state of Illinois retired teachers are not allowed to draw Social Security unless they have a set number of quarters. Mom does not currently have these quarters and this is one way for her to earn them and then draw a small Social Security check as part of her retirement.
If the issue is that you think we are doing something wrong with the IRS, I welcome an audit. We pay all of our taxes and follow the law. Mike works for the Federal Government and I am not afraid of an audit.
If the issue is that you feel we are mistreating my mom, I've already explained that we are very grateful. Besides the money that we pay in childcare we do numerous other things for my mother as well. Mike and his parents recently remodeled her bathroom, they added a screened porch to her house, and numerous other projects. We take her out to eat often and buy her nice gifts. She is not neglected and is appreciated. We are lucky and blessed to have her in our lives.
"Ann", if you want to be taken seriously and for me to take your advice it is probably better not to start out in a rude way. "Ohymygod - get over yourself already!" doesn't really make me want to take your advice seriously.
I will not be talking about this in these comments any more. It isn't worth my time to keep feeding the flame. If you (or anyone else) would like to address any of these issues further, please send me an email.
It certainly is a shame that we presently live in a country where we have to balance our joys and concerns of raising children with the tax laws of the U.S.
It is appalling that family members, friends, church ladies cannot offer care and support either free of charge or for a fee as a “thank you” without tax consequences. When did these tax laws take effect? The tax laws are so complicated that none of us are safe, unless of course one is a politician. We need simplified tax laws. Sadly though, it will not happen, especially with this present administration and Congress in Washington.
Only Almighty God our Creator gives us true freedom, not government.
Here from ICLW and just wanted to wish you the best no matter what the outcome is I think you will do a great job!
I'd be more worried if you weren't freaked. Sounds like you've got your haead firmly on your shoulders. And it also sounds like you're going to loose your mind a time or two. And I'd be worried if you didn't as well!!
I have 3 kids and moved from a 5 bedroom house to a new town and since we hadn't sold yet we are renting. I HATE that the (HUGE!!!!) house only has 3 bedrooms so 2 of my kids share. They don't mind one bit, but I do. I like each child to have thier space and style. But they are young so they think its fun for the most part...except when a younger sibling yaps at them to keep them up, but thats very rare. Kids get use to what they are...use to. In fact in our old 5 bedroom house my girls still asked to share. They had thier own rooms, but liked to "sleep over" with each other, so we actually ended up giving our master suite to the girls so they could have a large room together and the older one could help the younger potty train at night with leading by example(for the record by night 2 our youngest daughter was completely potty trained). We didn't mind giving up the master because we didn't need all that space and it was for a good cause. Here I debated doing the same thing but its such a gorgeous master with double sinks, tile to the cieling, and a walk through master closet, that my hubby put his foot down and said they would be just fine sharing a normal bedroom(2 youngest this time and the oldest gets her own space). And they are. But when our lease is up here and we look to buy we will go for a minimum 4 bedroom but likely a 5 bedroom. There is nothing wrong with wanting to have a bigger space. 5 is a lot of people. We are lucky the house is huge here and has a large basement...but I miss the extra rooms.
That said, your life will change. You will have to get less...anal(I don't say that meanly but I am that way myself) and you will have to welcome a bit or "organized chaos" into your life. Some people are too rigid to allow it and that what breaks them...if you go into it knowing that things won't be perfect, but striving for pretty close instead...the new norm...you'd be amazed how stress free your life can become when you learn to let yourself and your expectations go a bit lower. Not housecoat and slippers low...but just not perfection. I managed to have my house on the market for 6 months while we lived in it full time and it was spotless for every showing and ready on short notice. I don't know how I did it...but I did. So its not that you can't still be "perfect" but I think(in my case) that by acknowledging that it might not be perfect and they could deal with it as just "really good" made it possible for me to get to my "new norm" and then if I had the energy left I could give the extra push. Not just about house stuff but about everything. And it really does work when you let go a bit and come down to earth a bit. It makes what you do accomplish feel great and the times you exceed your new goal...it makes you feel like supermom!! But some days even Supermom needs to put her uniform in the wash and grab a pair of sweats :)
Yes, there'll be days when you want to give up...but I had the same feeings with my first.
With Twins, you do everything as usual - except x2.
I have no help and my husband works away from home for weeks to sometimes months at a time. It's hard, but it's worth it. And I look into my girls' eyes (they are almost 7 months old now), and know that I would never want it any other way.
The hardest is going out, grocery shopping for instance. But I guarantee you'll find a way that works.
If you'd like to talk, need advice or just vent - please email me....
I HAVE BEEN THERE!!!!
I won't send you an e-mail, don't respond if you don't want to. That's up to you. But since you say "Comments are always appreciated!" I will comment here.
If you want to be hyper-sensitve, by all means be so. I've already apologized twice if you misconstrued my comments. I do notice, however, that you quite rudely said I "need some love in my life" and yet don't feel it necessary to apologize for that.
Regarding your Mom - I have no clue how you treat her and don't see where I implied you were mistreating her. I was merely commenting that $50 a week is a great deal, that you should appreciate it (which apparently you do) but that it does not fall within the guidelines of the IRS. If you felt that you were falling within those guidelines, you were mistaken. I certainly offer no judgment of your not paying the Nanny tax (I would not) nor do I offer judgment on your treatment of your Mother (I know nothing of your relationship). People unintentionally make tax errors all the time, especially in terms of the Nanny tax, and I was giving you information that you should look into. I don't think you know what you're talking about. I'm sure you're going to freak out on that comment, but take a deep breath, calm down, and don't take it as an insult. It's merely someone who, at 40-years-old, has some experience and is trying to impart some knowledge to someone in your situation. Do what you will with this information.
Ann aka "Ann"
Jamie, nothing will make those fears entirely go away, but you'll do just fine. If I can offer some assurances for worry #1 at least...not all twin pregnancies are complicated. I have fraternal twin girls from IVF that were born after I turned 41, my first and only pregnancy and the girls were born vaginally, at 37 weeks gestation, and the only real "issue" I had was swelling in my legs and feet. No bedrest, no pre-eclampsia, no medical horrors.
Juggling three little ones won't be easy but it can be done with the humor and love that you have in your life. Hope you all can do something about your hubby's commute but failing that don't be afraid to reach out to folks for help...neighbors, church, etc...we got so much help from our church in the early days and I think folks really are glad to help. Lots of luck to you all! Michele in Atlanta
These are all legitimate concerns and similar to what I'd be thinking in your shoes. I was actually surprised this post hadn't come sooner. I hope blogging about it has given you some time to think about your worries and put some of them to rest. The LLL group I go to has a twin mom who is still nursing her 15mth olds and while it is hard in the beginning they are doing it. I've also seen this book recommended online before if you're looking for reading material http://www.drbarbaraluke.com/ I know all of this must be overwhelming but it will all work out.
This is an awesome top ten list, I think most of those w are expecting twins share the same concerns as you. you can post this to our site http://www.toptentopten.com/ and then link back to your site. The coolest feature is you can let other people vote on the rankings of your list.
I understand your fears and I think they are warranted. You want these things for your children and I see nothing wrong with wanting your children to have certain things for them. Like everyone else said, you're going to do fine. I'm wishing you well and sending you peace.
How's about we leave Jamie to handle her own day care issues? What is it to any of us how much she pays her mom or not? It's none of our business. Let that sleeping dog lie.
Having twins is a seriously scary thing (I know, I have them). When you have no idea what to expect, how to manage two, what it means to the dynamics of the family, the scary reality that twins will mean more work and more cost (substantially more in terms of nappies and formula) and there's that little matter of "hey, family holidays not going to happen for a long time now".
None of us are capable of judging Jamie, and none of us should be. If you want to crap all over her then open your own blog. Jamie is stressed, worried, and simply dumping her worries out here for them to get some air time.
Helen
Everyday Stranger
Wow... how can one say she does not mean to be judgmental when a comment is started with a "get over yourself" kind of statement?
Anyhoooo... multiples are scary. But YOU are amazing, and if anyone can handle it beautifully it would be you.
I agree with what everyone else has said before me, five bedrooms is so not necessary. You will have two kids of the same gender, they can share, especially for the first couple years, or the twins can share for awhile (even if they are B/G) and Bo can have his own room. For a house like you are describing in the area I live in, you would be looking at over a million dollar house (probably closer to 1.5 million) so obviously people around here do with less.
I agree, if you have kids you should pay for their college, it starts their adult lives on the right track. A car, well not so necessary, but it is a good thing to provide if you can.
But you have 14 years or so to worry about cars.
UGH. OK, I’ll try not to tell you to get over yourself. However, given the state of our economy, joblessness rates, homelessness rates and the number of families that go without MEALS, your post comes across as extremely selfish and out of touch. “AT LEAST” a five bedroom house, a nice car at 16, nice vacations and clothes, a free ride to school... These are all LUXURIES and definitely not necessities. Maybe you should look past your front doorstep and be thankful your worries are what they are. At least you don’t have to think about where your family will sleep tonight. And not to fan the flames of the childcare issues further, but $50 a week for 3-4 hours a day is unreal and I don’t think it’s possible that’s the going rate ANYWHERE. Maybe for Grandmother care but certainly not for commercial. Again, count your lucky stars for that one.
I loved your list of concerns.
I am 20 weeks with twins right now. They are going to be my first and second children.
When I found out I was expecting twins I was so incredibly shocked. After verifying that they had healthy heartbeats and were not co-joined I was overwhelmed by a million concerns. And unlike you, I have never even raised a child to get perspective on how much work it really is.
A good friend of mine who recently had twins gave me great advice. She said, "don't feel bad if your primary response is shock and fear. It doesn't mean you are a bad person or that you won't love your children. It just means that you are not an idiot. You know in your heart that they are a blessing and like any blessing you realize it as more as you go. You will love them so much when they are born and you will know what to do. Just deal with it as it comes." I keep repeating that to myself.
Thanks for your blog. I love reading about other twin pregnancies.
Helen from Everyday Stranger and I can attest - both of us were scared silly when our news of multiple blessings came. I certainly did not take the news well, even when they were still telling me I probably only had twins. When they said it was triplets... well, I hit the roof. I had a three year old at home, for crying out loud!!
I worried about ALL of the things you talk about in this post, and then some. I was petrified of how I would do it all. How I would care for my kids. How we would manage financially. Where we would PUT them (the triplets share a room right now, eventually we'll shift that all together and maybe eventually we'll move, who knows? It turns out often multiples actually PREFER to stay together, who knew?). What kind of car we would have for them and how we would afford it. How I would go back to work. How I would ever, EVER get out of the house. How we could ever give them all enough attention. How we would manage the day to to day tasks. How we'd ever sleep again. How I'd get through a high risk pregnancy. How we'd make it all happen. How, how, how!???
And the only thing that is going to allay any of your fears is simply... time. Time and getting through it. Because ultimately? You will. You will get through it. And you will get out of the house. And you will sleep again. And you will manage it. And you will realize that you can be (95%) perfect (most of the time) still. And you get past the fears and you realize that you still do get dinner on the table and you do get up in the morning and you discover the joy that is a double snap-n-go so you don't have to carry two car seats everywhere. And you realize that breastfeeding two babies is completely different from breastfeeding one baby, but it's completely doable (get Karen Gromada's book, "Mothering Multiples"). And you realize that you ARE supermom because you CAN do it all and maybe someone should buy you a cape and get you a sidekick because it turns out, you DO have superpowers!
The only thing that gets you through it is time. And realizing how capable you really are.
But your fears? Are all real. And they're all legitimate. And you should have every one of them. Because your life is going to change far more than your fears are even letting on, that's for sure and in ways that matter far more than five bedroom houses, nice vacations and cars (and you can still have all of those things if that's what you aspire to - you just have to plan it carefully).
This is my first visit to your blog and I could have written your most recent post myself a little under a year ago when I found out I was pregnant with twins! I now have 13 week old twins, a just turned 3 year old and my son will be 2 in April! I just want to say that we are making it, some days are more difficult than others but it truely is just one day at a time! Much luck to you! Oh - and about complications - I did have preterm labor but ended up delivering two totally healthy girls at almost 37 weeks vaginally weighing 6lbs2oz and 6lbs4oz!!
Congratulations on your twins. I have 5 year old identical girls, along with a 13-year-old stepdaughter and am 25 weeks along with #4. Please know - this is something that you can do if you're in the right frame of mind. Our income is less than $50K/year and we're living in a 1060 square foot house in Riverside, CA. We've also paid up to $1500/month for day care for the girls. Sure, things are crowded, but that also makes things fun. Having twins isn't easy, but they will bless and change your life. Worry about what you can, and hold off on those things you can't worry about.
First, I LOVE your blog! I'm addicted!
Second, "Ann" and Lynn are jealous.....clearly. I think it's great that you're planning and thinking about things, such as college funds. Just because there are some people starving and homeless doesn't mean you are selfish for wanting to give your children the best that you can.
I did IVF and became pregnant with twins. I was sooo excited. I had no idea of the work involved BUT you find a way, you find a routine, you come together as a family (mom, dad, relatives, etc)and you can't imagine them not being twins. Having just one seems like it would be lonely, for the child and for you.
My boy/girl twins were 2 in August and we're all very very happy. PLEASE get help with the nights. That was the worst part...lack of sleep effects every other aspect of your life.
Now, go embrace these miracles!! You will make it!
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