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It's no secret that I've struggled with my body image over the years. I was one of the few girls who actually lost weight in college by eating healthy and working out a minimum of three times a week. Some would call it obsessive, but honestly, I felt great during that time period.
Since I've met Mike, I've relaxed my body image issues a lot. I haven't worked out regularly (more like sporadically) in a long time and my eating habits aren't nearly what they were a few years ago. I go through bursts where I will do very well and am able to refocus on eating well and working out and then it all seems to fall apart again. Typically, it's been tied to IVF cycles/pregnancy. Hormones throw me for a loop and then it becomes difficult for me to get back on track again.
Before I became pregnant with Bo, I went through a year stretch where I was working out and eating well. I felt good again. Weight would creep up with each IVF cycle, and then I would lose it again. And then I was pregnant with Bo. And gained 47 pounds. Nothing brings body image issues to the forefront of your mind like pregnancy. I felt awful, I looked awful, and most days I was out of breath walking to the bathroom towards the end of my pregnancy.
After Bo was born, I felt amazing. The day after he was born I felt like a million dollars. Suddenly, I could breathe again! It was wonderful! By 10 weeks post-partum, I had managed to lose all of my pregnancy weight, just by counting Weight Watcher points for 3 weeks. I felt good again and knew if I could just start exercising and lose a few more pounds I'd be happy. I managed to exercise sporadically, but never consistently (there are no gyms with childcare in our area, otherwise I would have been there in a heartbeat) and while I felt good again, my belly still had that "baby pooch" and I never reached my goal weight.
As soon as Bo was weaned, I hopped right back on the IVF bandwagon. But I also had plans -- they included a new treadmill as well as a running program. I was finally going to try to feel like "me" again.
Bam. The IVF actually worked. And it's twins. Wowza.
The first few weeks of this pregnancy, I wasn't allowed to do any physical activity because my ovaries were huge. Then, I felt like something the dog threw up. Just managing to get through the day and accomplish my work seemed like no small feat.
During the second trimester I have physically feel better, but it isn't like I can just start a running program during the middle of a twin pregnancy. And I'm definitely not going to lose weight at this point. The scale continues to go up (as it should, I have to gain lots of weight to keep these twins healthy) but my body image continues to tank. I absolutely hate how I look and feel during pregnancy. And I know that it is only going to get worse. (And I am totally not looking forward to wearing a bathing suit on our vacation next week...)
The way I comfort myself is by telling myself I can start my running program after the babies are born. And then, logic kicks in and I wonder how in the world I'm going to have time to shower with three children under the age of two, more or less find time to start a running program...
A large part of me wants to rush this pregnancy away. I want to feel good again. I want to look decent again. I want to be "me" again. Will that ever truly happen??
Monday, June 1, 2009
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12 comments:
You will find the time & strength to become you again.
It comes down to the amount of support you have, your husband seems great.
I know you can do it..
I'm sorry you feel so suckie, but I think pregnant women are beautiful and you are no exception.
{{{Hugs}}}...I have a feeling you don't look bad at all but that your body image makes you feel that way. However, that doesn't make what you are feeling any less valid. Even though you can't exercise the way you want, why don't you try to do something to make yourself look nice every day (even if its only putting makeup on). Ok...enough for the assvice. Honestly, I just hate to see someone who is so beautiful feeling so down about herself.
I feel your pain! At 2 weeks postpartum, I am right in the middle of these same feelings.
Jenny
I have to say that you will eventually find comfort with you body again. It may take a while but at some point you will be happy with the way you look. I had 2 children back to back and let me say I was huge(230). I made the decision to get the weigth off but I know I will always have the baby pouch. Just remeber you are beautiful regardless of what your scale says.
This is one of the downsides of a twin pregnancy -- you really can't work out, esp. after IVF. I had periods where I felt like crap and was ashamed that I wasn't having a "fit pregnancy" like all the non-twin books and magazines recommended. I restricted myself to walking Sadie and, in the second trimester, prenatal yoga once a week. I still wish I had bought a temporary YMCA membership to use the pool.
But if it gives you any hope -- I gained 58 lb with twins and, 6 months and 3 weeks later, I am back at my pre-IVF weight. And my arms are really toned, and my upper body has never felt so strong. I've only been able to get on the treadmill every now and then -- it's all from taking care of the girls, pushing them around in the stroller, etc. My belly is still poochy -- that's a long-term project. But overall I am really satisfied with my twin-mom body, and the weight has continued to fall off just from daily baby care and chores.
For me, the twins made the skin and belly ummm...revolting. Sorry. Like you said, time to exercise, hahaha. The only thing I wanted to do for months was sleep!
The twins are 8 months old now and I feel like I can actually find the time and energy to start running again. It will happen, it will just take a little more time this go around.
I felt horrible during my pregnancy with LG too, and am currently feeling like a frump, but what i have noticed is that I always think other pregnant people look good. People are probably looking at you thinking you look great too.
Getting the weight off the second time around will be a bigger challenge, but it will come off.
Completely understand how you feel, and at this point in my pregnancy (soooo near the end) I can't wait to have my body back and attempt to remake it into something I recognize again. The sacrifices we make for the privilege of children :).
Girl, you are going to be so busy when those baby girls are on the outside that you will barely have time to eat let alone count calories. My mom never looked better than when my twin brothers were toddlers and she was in a constant state of chase and lift. Her arms were CUT. It's easy to say to try not to stress... I hope you find some peace with this.
You're beautiful just as you are. With that said, and as your friend, I COMPLETELY understand! I think this is the point of pregnancy where you start to feel good again (dare I say...normal), except for the fact that you are growing a baby (or two in your case) and you are reminded that you are not the normal Jamie right now.
When I started to feel frumpy during Ryan's pregnancy, I would look at the baby photos of Zach and it was all worth it!
And...enjoy the pregnancy. One of the things I miss most is the feeling of having a baby inside. I miss the kicks and punches. That was always the redeeming But, I never missed it until about 18 months after I had both of the boys. If that makes sense ;)
I totally understand how you feel. And "how you FEEL" is what you're talkin' about, not how you look. You probably look great, even if you feel like the broad side of a barn. Been there.
The others are right. You'll be so busy with your little threesome later that you'll burn up those pounds likity split. In the meantime, ask you're doc if you can do some gentle "workouts" at home using the Wii Fit or something like it. You might manage 10 minutes at a time, nothing strenuous, but enough to make you feel like you're doing something healthy.
I'm happy for you. Hang in there!
...please where can I buy a unicorn?
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