Unconscious Preparation

My dreams recently have been preparing me for childbirth. I've learned a lot about the unconscious mind and dreams over the last few years and it is amazing to me how our minds work through situations and scenarios and prepare us for what is to come.

One issue that's also been evident in my dreams is that I have many unresolved issues surrounding Bo's birth and these fears are surfacing as I mentally prepare to go through labor and the newborn weeks with Bo's sisters.

For those of you who didn't read my blog back then, my Grandpa fell and suddenly became very sick just days before Bo's birth. I spent the week before Bo's birth at my Grandpa's bedside and accompanied him home the Sunday before I was induced on Monday night. Grandpa came home in an ambulance/hospital bed after Mom and I had secured 24 hour care and other services. This was a 94-year-old man who had been drinking at the Elks and driving just weeks before. Grandpa was lucid for most of the time he was in the hospital and we had some interesting conversations on those days. When he would start to slip a bit, I'd ask him my name -- which he knew until those last few days -- and then I'd point to my stomach and ask who was in my belly. Hearing him say "Bo" was always music to my ears - despite his thoughts on the name. ;)

During my time in the hospital after having Bo, I dreaded returning home. I knew what my family was facing the death of my grandpa -- who was truly my father in every sense of the word - was much more scary than bringing a newborn home could ever be. I was scared. But so thrilled that he was going to be able to meet Bo. It was a time in my life that the word bittersweet is truly the only one that can even begin to describe all of the thoughts and feelings that were going through my mind.

After infertility, I'd finally reached the pinnacle. I had a healthy little boy and I was bringing him home. Nothing could have been more amazing or magical. Yet at the same time, I was losing one of the most important people in my life. There are many moments when I wonder about the ironic timing... And I still see my life in two separate spheres -- "Before Bo" and "After Bo" is also "With Grandpa" and "Without Grandpa". I feel like I am two different people and that both circumstances were defining moments in my life. It was during this period that I changed. Not only did I go from just a normal person to a mom, but I went from being a child to an adult. During those few weeks everything about my life changed. My perspective on the world changed. Suddenly, everything was different.

Why do I have unresolved issues regarding this time and why is all of this coming to the surface now, on the cusp of the girls' birth? Well... to say that I didn't exactly have a pampered new mom experience would be the understatement of the century. We were in the hospital exactly 48 hours after Bo's birth and the day we came home found me in the kitchen chopping potatoes for a make-shift Thanksgiving dinner (the day after the fact - we brought Bo home at around 10 pm Thanksgiving day) and cleaning my house in preparation for the people who I knew would be stopping by. My in-laws were in my basement building a wine cellar that first weekend and we spent one full day at home during the three weeks that Mike was home with me. We were constantly on the go -- to my parents' house to see my Grandpa daily and one of Bo's first public outings was to the funeral home to pick out a casket and plan a funeral. There was no relaxing and I truly don't think anyone knew what I needed or how to help me during that time period.

Thirteen days after Bo's birth, my Grandpa passed away. When Bo was 16 days old, I stood in front of a church and had random words come out of my mouth about my Grandpa. (I truly have no idea what I said that day...) I'd lost 30 lbs. (with a lot more to go) and had to wear a size pant that I hope to never see again, but at least I'd been able to find something to wear when we took Bo for his 2 week well baby check-up earlier that week. My feet were still so swollen that I couldn't wear normal shoes and I seriously considered wearing house slippers. I left Bo with Mandy (who took off work) and went home between the service and the dinner to feed him. I look back now and I seriously don't know how I held it all together. But I did. Because that's what I do...

In last night's dream, Grandpa was sick, and we were trying to figure out where we could put him in our new house when the twins arrive so that we could take care of him. I was working through scenarios in the dream and trying to figure out the logistics of how we would take care of everyone when I woke up and realized that he's gone. He isn't here and hasn't been for nearly two years now. It's amazing how difficult that realization can be sometimes. As I laid in bed and pondered the dream, I realized what is happening. I realized that I'm still scared about the time that followed Bo's birth and that mentally my mind is trying to prepare me to go through all of it again.

To say that I'm scared about bringing the twins home is the understatement of the year. However, this time will be different. No one is dying. I have help and I've explained to everyone around me that I need help -- help that wasn't available, offered, or understood after Bo's arrival. And while I have no doubt that bringing home twins and attempting to exclusively breastfeed them with a toddler at home will not be easy -- logically, I know that it will be better than those weeks after Bo's birth. It has to be...

Ironically, we saw two lines on the pregnancy test that resulted in the twins on what would have been my Grandpa's 96th birthday in February....