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After reviewing the comments on your most recent blog entry about excuses, do you have any comments of your own? I know sometimes you come back with comments and I haven't seen that yet.
I had another question ready to publish today, but I just found this email from Bridget in my inbox and decided to go ahead and respond to her question since the topic is timely and based on my post from yesterday.
The comments actually took a turn that I wasn't expecting when I wrote the post. I originally wrote the post in response to my own frustration with the excuses of my students -- not as a way to whine and complain about my own life. However, re-reading the post, I can definitely see how it reads that way.
Having newborn twins and a toddler at home is difficult. I won't sugar coat it. But at the same time, it isn't as difficult as I'd built it up to be in my mind. I am still able to work, do laundry, cook supper, etc. on most days. A large part of the reason I'm able to do those things is because I did take the advice of my blog friends and I have Katie coming to help each day from 9 to 1. This helps me out immensely as it does give me some time to work, throw in a load or two of laundry, and unload the dishwasher, with a little less "help" from the peanut gallery. During the hours I am with all of them alone I truly accomplish very little besides their care.
That said, everything that I want to accomplish does not get done. Typically, by this time of year all of my Christmas presents have been purchased and most of them are wrapped. This year, I've barely purchased anything. I wish I could say that I am all prepared for Bo's birthday party -- or Mike's birthday -- but I'm not. I wish I could say that my home is spotless. But it's not. And a lot of that is because of my own priorities.
In response to specific questions or opinions from yesterdays comments:
I actually really enjoy working online. It allows me to continue to earn an income and still spend a large amount of time with my children. There are numerous perks to teaching in the online environment. However, I will agree that I do not have the same student/teacher connections and teaching online is not as fulfilling as teaching at the high school. Teaching at the high school definitely had its moments -- but working with the yearbook staff and having Mandy next door made it a job I looked forward to going to daily. There are numerous aspects of teaching at the high school that I miss. However, I have chosen this route (for now at least) because of my children.
At this point it feels like there are only a few aspects of my life that I could get away with not doing. Sure, I could not work -- but then I also couldn't afford to have help during the day or do other things that are important to our family. And sure, I could not do the laundry -- but then what would we wear? Dirty clothes? And yes, I could not cook, and we could eat out every night (which we do often enough) -- but then would we be healthy? And how much money would we spend?
I have "trimmed the fat" so to speak from my life and I began doing this after Bo's birth when I quickly realized that my priorities needed to realign.
Currently, my family and my children are my number one priority. My day revolves around Bo, Clara, and Anna and their needs. Their needs come before everything else. My second priority is typically to my job as I sign a contract and make a commitment to each class. I have started to consider blogging part of my daily "work" as the blog does provide me with products and income. However, blogging is a hobby I really enjoy and it helps to keep me accountable with taking photographs of the kids, writing about special parts of their lives I want to remember, and is free therapy. :) It could be cut but the rewards I reap from it make it a justifiable expenditure of time and energy in my mind. My third priority is usually the house -- laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc.
I do try to delegate and I have accepted more help in the last six months of my life than I ever have before. That said, when Mike is gone for 12 hours a day he really doesn't want to come home and have everything delegated to him. He does do the grocery shopping and other tasks -- but many daily chores are still left to me with both child care and home care as I am the one who is with them and in the home.
If I could eliminate one stressor from my life at this point in time, it would be Christmas as buying and wrapping and all that comes with it just sends my mind into a tailspin. However, I don't think that is really an option. :)
Ellen is right in her comment. I know exactly what I would say to my friends. It is the exact conversation that I have with several of them often. That they need to learn to say no. That they need to take time to relax. Etc. And I do hear that and understand those concepts. However, learning to say no to Joe Blow down the street is a lot easier than saying no to your nearly 2-year-old who wants spaghetti for dinner. Or saying no to the pile of laundry that I know needs to be done because the girls are down to 2 sleepers. I think it comes back to "trimming the fat" from my life and I really have attempted to do so. Many aspects of my life that I enjoy have become "fat" at this point -- such as baking, reading blogs, reading books, watching movies/tv, etc.
There are many reasons why I decided not to take any time off work during my pregnancy and since the twins were born. Working in online education is unique because it is so flexible but it is also not forgiving. I am paid on a course by course basis and there is no "maternity leave". Currently, we are hemorrhaging cash with two houses, a part-time nanny, birthdays, Christmas, not to mention all of the normal bills and food. Honestly, I have a choice -- I can stop working and not have Katie -- or I can keep working and keep Katie and have a little extra cash when it is all said and done. I've chosen the latter for my own personal sanity.
If we were to win the lottery, I probably would choose to take a break from work at this point. However, I would still want to work eventually (when the twins were a bit older and more scheduled), as I find work to be something that I need mentally. For me, working, at least a little, makes me a better mom as it gives me a "break" of sorts from caring for the children. It also allows us the freedom to do more things -- such as have Katie, save for the kids' educations, etc. I know I'm a mom because I now consider work to be one of the most relaxing parts of my day. However, I could do without a chorus of crying babies in the next room while I'm trying to do it... :)
This became much more of a random rambling than I had originally intended. The point of all of this is that I do hear you. I understand what you are saying and I know that I need to prioritize what I am doing at this stage of the game. I appreciate your advice and thoughts. At this point, I am doing my best to find balance. I think I'll be teeter-tottering for many years to come.
Friday's Feature at Sticky Feet Part Deux is Ask Jamie. Feel free to email me or leave a comment with any question you would like for me to answer. Anything is fair game!.
9 comments:
Oh, gosh, I remember being absolutely FURIOUS with the very idea of Christmas last year (twins born Nov. 6). It was a huge stressor. I think I did almost entirely online shopping for kids, and our siblings all decided that this was the year for big group gifts, so that helped a lot. But I didn't send cards, as far as I can remember. And we didn't put up a tree, and this year we won't either, because (1) we don't have the space and (2) it would be a safety hazard with twin toddlers in the house.
I flat-out told relatives that we would not be available for Thanksgiving, using the pediatrician as an excuse.
One thought re: laundry: Do you have a newer-model washer with a delay-start feature? It is so helpful to get that first load of laundry in the dryer as soon as I get up. Also, I estimate I shave a couple of minutes off each load of laundry by using big diaper pins to pair baby socks before putting them in the washer.
Hang in there -- you're doing great! It is a huge adjustment and I'm glad you can acknowledge that!
Speaking from personal experience, I think working from home is more difficult than working outside the home. I've done both. I prefer working from home because I do get to be with my kids all the time. But I'm constantly being pulled between the responsibilities. I see the dishes piled on the counter or the dirty laundry overflowing the hamper. I know I need to get dinner started. The kids want me to play all the time. But I also need to get a certain amount of work in each day or we won't pay the mortgage. With a 4 yr old and an 18 month old I'm still trying to figure out the best schedule/balance. It's such a difficult balance but so worth it.
Something I've struggled with (and sounds like you are too) is giving myself some personal time to do something for myself (or nothing at all). Any waking moment that I'm not caring for the kids or the house I feel like I have to work. And I can definitely tell when I haven't taken a break in a while. I start getting short with everyone and I actually am less productive in my work. I actually find that sometimes taking a day or even a few hours off helps me refocus and increases my efficiency when I do go back to work.
Just to clarify, lest others think I am crazy-overprotective: We didn't go anywhere for Thanksgiving LAST year with newborn, preemie twins. : )
We are only doing Christmas for LG and his sister this year. No parents, siblings, cousins, friends, etc. We have too much going on and with me being due that day, and I am too focused on preparing for the baby. I will put up the tree for me because I love it, but that's it. I think our families will understand.
Ohh Jamie, I thought that Mike would be home more, I thought that was why you moved so he could avoid traveling and be at home more? Well with him being gone 12 hours I think what you are doing is good! Now there is my sister, who lost a baby in august but still has her 13, 12 ,10, 4 and 2 year old in addition to a big move in July, she has been a SAHM but now she has ventured out to work. Her husband will be doing the evening detail while she works outside of the home. I really think it is to save her sanity. She has been a SAHM for about 5 years and is ready to meet her public again. I hope it helps her depression about Maddox dying too!
My family cancelled Christmas last year and everyone agreed that it was fantastically liberating. Some of us gave ourselves permission to buy ourselves things we might not have.
This year I'm sure people won't be able to resist buying gifts for the babies, but it would be fine with me if we skipped grown-up Christmas gifts forever.
I don't mean to start anything here, but there are a few things I would like to comment on. The first is the idea of Christmas being a nuisance. Several people have agreed with you regarding the inconvenience of it all. Wow! I understand that people are busy, but is this really what your lives have come to? You're so spoiled with all you have that you can't even fathom throwing Christmas into the mix? What a luxury to be able to decide, for you and your kids, that you have more pressing things to tend to. Perhaps you should think of a way to help those around you who would actually enjoy a holiday celebration with their family but can't afford to do so.
Additionally, it is my opinion that no one thinks you were "whining" in your post on Thursday. What I think people were trying to get across is that you seem unable to enjoy the tremendous blessings in your life because you're so concerned with work, cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc. I don't think we've seen one post where you mention the girls in a positive way. No stories of something sweet or cute that they've done? Maybe your blog is not the place you record these things, but I think you have mentioned this being the way you keep memories? I feel sad at the thought of Anna and Clara reading this one day when they are older.
All in all, if this stems from PPD, I hope you can get the help you need. This is not intended to be a rude and confrontational comment. I know we all have a choice in whether or not we read your blog. It's not that I disagree with you, it's just that I feel sad for what you seem to be missing. Best of luck in trying to find the joy that is all around you.
Anon- agreed, no one thought Jamie was whining. But you're wrong at the same time, no one thought she wasn't appreciating her babies either- just that she was taking on too much! We are worried she's spreading herself too thin with her always admitted perfectionism. She posts cute pics of the girls all the time and talks about things they do. Just remembering from having one baby- I was not jumping for joy the first 6 weeks, I was exhausted just trying to get through those first few weeks and not doing near the amount of work that Jamie is. We were reaching out to support her, not to criticize which seems to be your message. I don't know why you're so angry towards Jamie, but if it is stemming from an inability to have your own children then I can understand (a little), having suffered from infertility myself. If so, best of luck to you in your quest to motherhood.
SS (can't log on to google at work)
Thanks, SS, for sticking up for me. :) *hugs*
I addressed the Christmas issue a bit in my post today.
I just want to say that I do appreciate the many blessings in my life. I don't blog about the many things the girls are doing as they really aren't doing anything yet. I read the "anon" comment to Mike and he immediately said "What do the girls do?" They eat, sleep, occassionally spit up, and poop. They aren't even really smiling yet. Yes, they are cute and adorbable -- but there just aren't stories about them yet like there is for Bo. We'll get there. And I do try to post pictures -- hopefully I'll have some new ones up tomorrow.
I am not in the least bit concerned that I have PPD. Sure, I'm stressed and overwhelmed -- but who wouldn't be in my position? However, I am not full of tears, to the point where I can't function, or even thinking about not being able to do all that is on my plate. Honestly, I think I'm dealing and functioning with everything in my life really well -- including counting my blessings.
"Anon" - while I understand that you didn't mean for your comment to be confrontational -- the wording of your message as well as the fact that you didn't sign your name make it confrontational. I'm sorry for whatever it is that you're going through. One thing I've learned over the years is that if I'm not willing to sign my name to it, I probably shouldn't say it. Just some food for thought.
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