In My Next Life, I Want to be a Man.

In my next life, I want to be a man...

I want to be a man for all of the basic reasons that one can think of off the top of their head -- no periods, no pregnancy, no labor, no breastfeeding, no makeup, a much more realistic body image/weight, no high-heels, etc.

A mom is naturally the primary "host" for children. We have to be constantly on alert as to what we consume during pre-pregnancy, pregnancy, and breastfeeding - no alcohol, no deli meat, no caffeine - and we have to try to balance everything else in our life while this other being (or two other beings) takes over our body. And we're suppose to smile throughout the entire process.

Then, once the child(ren) is here, women naturally fall into the primary caregiver role. When you have a child(ren) at your breast constantly during those first few weeks of life, it becomes pretty natural to see why Mom is the one who is always with the little ones. And while this aspect does get better as the child(ren) becomes older it is still Mom who seems to take primary responsibility for the child(ren).

I changed my life in countless ways just to get pregnant, throughout pregnancy, and now to be Bo's primary caregiver. And while I am sure Mike would say Bo changed his life, there is no way he can argue that his life has changed nearly as much as mine.

Case in point - I've been trying to orchestrate some type of childcare for my mom's upcoming eye surgery and for an upcoming OB appointment (Mike can't take off work). And I swear - if someone says to me - "I took my kids with me everywhere." I'm going to shoot them. Seriously, you took your 19 month old on a four hour car ride to visit the OB? And did that OB visit include a cervix check and being strapped to a chair for monitoring of your twin fetuses? How did he do with that?

Oh, and you drove your 19 month old an hour and a half away and sat with him (during naptime) in a waiting room for 3 1/2 hours while his Grammie had eye surgery and then drove back home? Did he respond well?

If you've done these things -- then hats off to you (and please send me some tips). Otherwise, no, this is not the same. It isn't like I am asking for a day at a spa. For God's sake the longest I've been away from my child is 36 hours and that in itself felt like a feat. I just don't want to have to listen to him scream while my legs are spread in stirrups and a doctor's arm is up my vagina.

And that is the most basic reason why, in my next life, I want to be a man.

Barren Bitches Book Tour: Navigating the Land of IF

I haven't joined one of Mel's book tours in quite some time but this is a book that I am passionate about and I wanted to discuss it and sing its praises as part of the tour.

If you're an infertile (or a friend of an infertile) and you haven't met Mel, you're really missing out. Mel is the true queen of the infertile blogosphere and manages the a home base for all infertile bloggers to come together and support each other at her blog - Stirrup Queens.

Mel spent the last few years writing a book about infertility and compiling first hand accounts and hours of research into Navigating the Land of If: Understanding Infertility and Exploring Your Options. I pre-ordered the book on Amazon and was thrilled to see the result of all of Mel's hard work in my mailbox when it arrived.

It's an amazing book and a comprehensive resource for all infertiles. A big thank you to Mel for all of her hard work, dedication, and love that she shares with the infertile blogosphere daily.

Tour Questions:

Chapters four and five cover the issues of telling others about your IF struggles and handling the comments if you do. What approach (proactive, reactive, evasive, or lying) have you used with your close friends and family? If you have told, have you gotten any surprising reactions, and how have you handled those? If you haven't told, has this omission created any friction as people make assumptions or comments about your lack of pregnancy?

Before I became pregnant with Bo, I was much more secretive about my infertility. It wasn't that I hid it from everyone -- lots of people knew -- but it wasn't a topic that I discussed openly at Wal-Mart. Now it is, and it isn't something I'm embarrassed about in the slightest. I think that sharing my story is one of the positives that has come from my infertility journey and it has been amazing to connect with people I know in real life who are also on the infertility path. It's amazing how many people are traveling down this road and the bonds you can form with each other by being open and honest regarding your journey.

Of course, many people do not always know how to react, even to an open infertile. Lots of people (including friends and family) are not educated regarding infertility and ask questions and make comments that routinely make me cringe. But I try my best to bite my tongue and explain the situation and issues to them. I hope one side effect of all of this is that many of my friends and family members will be more sensitive when dealing with other infertiles and will watch their questions and comments a bit more closely.

If you are a reader of Melissa's blog, did you find the book to be a same or different style and why?

While the book is written in a different style than Mel's blog - I saw many glimpses of Mel's personality through her writing style in the book. Writing a book, by it's very nature, is very different than writing a blog that is consumed in small pieces each day. Mel did a great job of combining her personal flair with specific information and resources for dealing with infertility.

What part of the Land of IF are you currently residing in, & do you think Melissa paints an accurate picture of the situation there?

I am currently residing in the parenting after infertility/pregnant with twins after infertility/completely flabbergasted at the possibility of three children after infertility land of IF. It's definitely a boat that I never thought I would have the opportunity to travel on.

Yes, I do think that Mel paints an accurate picture of parenting after infertility. Parenting isn't the cakewalk I once dreamed it would be but parenting after infertility brings other layers of issues/guilt that I am not sure would be there if I had not experienced infertility.

I credit Mel's blog for helping me find support at every path of my journey -- I can always find someone there who understands. I find new blogs on Mel's site and I am currently seeking out those who have a toddler and twins after infertility (if you know of anyone - please send me a link to their blog!).

Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at Stirrup Queens (http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com). You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: Moose by Stephanie Klein.

Ask Jamie: Children's Privacy

Baby Smiling in the Backseat asked this question as part of her Thoughtful Thursday post yesterday (click over - she has some good insight and the comments are interesting as well):

Do you post your children’s names and photos online (or, if you don’t have children, what have you imagined you would do)? If so, on what internet platforms do you disclose and on what platforms are you secretive? Why? Has your ALI blog made a difference in your decision?

I thought this would be an interesting question to address here for a variety of reasons. I have friends who have private blogs and do not blog publicly and I know numerous people who are totally out regarding their blogs and sharing their lives, children's stories, and photos with the world.

Obviously, I do post my children's names and photos online - both on my blog and on Facebook. I announced the names of our twin girls on this blog just hours after we found out we were having girls.

I'm an overly anxious, Type A, but I honestly do not worry about stalkers/child molesters/what have you on my blog. Seriously, it's in the computer. I think the chances of something happening to Bo in numerous other situations (riding in the car, playing in the pool, going to an amusement park) are higher than someone actually stalking him on my blog.

I agree with Dooce that the internet isn't really any more exposed than taking my children out in public and that if someone wants to hurt me or my child they will find a way -- whether I am a blogger or not. I also feel that the benefits of blogging out way the very small risk involved (Just as putting your child in the car to go to the store has more benefits than negatives. I allow Bo to ride in the car every day and the risk of death/injury in a car is actually quite high - especially as compared to his risk due to my blogging.) I've made numerous close friends and by sharing my story feel like I have given a purpose to my infertility.

I think many bloggers like to be anonymous because it allows them more freedom with their writing. It allows a freedom and an honesty that is difficult to match when you know that not only are your good friends inside and outside of the computer reading what you write but so is your mom, MIL, best friend, local bank teller, your vet, and possibly your doctor. Being a "known" blogger adds a lot more pressure and a lot more worry about what other people think and how they will respond to what you are writing.

My first two years of blogging are now private and I must grant permission for anyone to enter the original Sticky Feet blog. For the first two years, I attempted to remain anonymous and failed. Now, I feel like it is just easier and better for everyone involved if I blog openly and with the understanding that everyone/anyone can read my words. Does it impact what I say? Sometimes. But I do my best to still say what I need to say without feeling the need to protect myself from what others think or their reactions to my words.

Maybe, as Bo and the girls become older, it will be more difficult for me to blog openly about them and our lives. I am sure when the girls are teenagers they will be full of angst about everything I do as most girls are at that age. But for now, Bo doesn't know what a blog is and most of my entries regarding him are meant to be cute and positive. If anything, I think he will look back on my words here and see how crazy I am about him. :) But this will definitely be an issue that I address as the kids become older. And if it ever becomes an issue and one of my kids asks me to stop writing about them, I will. And then I'll become a food blogger. ;)

Friday's Feature at Sticky Feet Part Deux is Ask Jamie. Feel free to email me or leave a comment with any question you would like for me to answer. Anything is fair game!

Photo Book Frustration

Yesterday, I noticed that one of the many emails sitting in my inbox was a coupon for a free photo book from Shutterfly. I haven't had time to scrapbook any of Bo's pictures since before Christmas so I knew there was no way that I could develop a whole book from scratch in the few hours I had yesterday evening (after grading a million poorly written papers) to have printed. I decided to put together a "cheater" book using one of the many templates that Shutterfly offers.

Click here to view this photo book larger

It still took me over an hour to place all of the pictures and add the text but that is a lot better than an hour per page that it took me to make the custom book I made for Bo last year. This template is by Jessica Sprague and I took a few of her digital scrapbooking classes last summer (www.jessicasprague.com) and really enjoyed them. (If you look through the book -- please let me know if you notice any spelling or grammar errors. Thanks! :))

Unfortunately, I didn't read the fine print. This template was not covered by the coupon. By the time I figured this out, it was nearly 11 and I had no energy to even try to put another book together. So now, this book is all together in my cart -- but the question is -- is is really worth the $45.99 it would take to have one 8x8 book printed?? Ugh. What do you think? Do you have any coupon codes you can share with me??

I did find the code below on my affiliate site - it will save me $5. I know, photos are priceless -- but I really thought the book would be free! Wah!

Wordless Wednesdsay: Indoor/Outdoor Pool

On Sunday, we learned that an inflatable baby pool can be just as much fun inside the house as it is outside - no water necessary! Bo loved filling the pool with his toys and attempting to "swim" through them. I may have to invest in an indoor pool since he had so much fun and it kept him entertained so well!! Luckily, the pool was a hit outside as well and we've enjoyed spending time in it every day this week. I think he may be part fish.

For more Wordless Wednesday visit Momdot.com and 5 Minutes for Mom.

Viability - 24 Weeks

As requested, here is a belly shot. Definitely not the best picture of me -- I was playing with Bo in his kiddie pool on Sunday (much cuter pictures of Bo with his pool tomorrow!) when Mike snapped this shot of me and my blossoming belly. I think it's pretty obvious I'm pregnant, huh?

Truly, it's not the belly that bothers me so much -- it's the weird chin fat and the flabby arms. Oh, YMCA, I am so looking forward to you...

We've been bad about keeping up with my maternity shots this pregnancy. When I was pregnant with Bo we took pictures every two weeks like clockwork. This time around, it just seems like there is always so much going on that taking pictures of me is low on our priority list. I know I'll regret it later if we don't have pictures of my belly growing so I'll try to be better about it. Thanks to several loyal commenters for lighting a fire under me about this.

Today is a BIG day for this pregnancy. If I go into labor at any point from this point forward, they would at least try to save the babies. Babies born at this stage do not always survive, most have numerous complications and stay in the hospital for months, but viability means there is a real chance that we will bring two babies home. I definitely haven't fully come to terms with that yet...

Overall, my pregnancy is continuing to progress well. I was measuring 29 weeks on Friday and everything else looked good. I feel pretty good and have quite a bit of energy. I'm not sleeping the best at night -- but that is due to numerous factors and can't be blamed solely on the pregnancy. I'm actually subsisting on less sleep now than I ever have in my life -- even when Bo was a newborn I managed to sleep more than I am right now -- but I'm sure newborn twins will shake that up a bit so maybe my body is just preparing itself.

I'm hungry a lot, but I wouldn't say it is abnormal for a twin pregnancy. My biggest craving has been mint and I'm open for suggestions for anything that has a strong peppermint flavor. York Peppermint Patties, mint chip ice cream, chewing gum, and brushing my teeth top my list of "yum" these days. I think I am going to try breath mints next? Are there any peppermint ones that are really strong that I should try?

I'm planning and making contingency plans for the next several weeks just in case something happens while Mike is away during the week and my mom is recovering from her eye surgery. Most people look at me like I'm crazy for worrying about labor at this stage of the game -- but I know too many twins who have come very early not to be concerned. I am sure all of my worry will make me one of the few twin mom's that has to be induced - but at least I'll have my bases covered if something does happen.

I worry a lot (like this is big news if you read the blog or know me in real life) and I'm worried about how we will balance our lives once the twins arrive. I'm worried about the twins impact on Bo. I'm worried about being settled in the house before they arrive. I'm worried about their first year of life and whether I will be able to breastfeed two infants without losing my mind. The list could go on and on...

Thus far, this has been a perfectly normal pregnancy and I have nothing to really complain about or truly worry about thus far. Let's just hope it stays that way!

Memories

This weekend, we started packing. We won't close on the house until July 24th and it will be at least a week after that (time to paint, clean the carpets, wash out cabinets, etc.) before the movers arrive to officially move us but we've started the process of clearing clutter and sending home special items that are irreplaceable with the in-laws until we are moved and settled.

One of the tasks I chose to tackle is my stash of photos, keepsakes, cards, etc. that I've kept for as long as I can remember. When it comes to cards, letters, and especially photos I'm an awful pack-rat. I went through all of the boxes trying to compact and organize as much as possible. And while I did decide that maybe it was a bit abnormal and unnecessary to save every card I've ever received - it took me forever to weed through and pare down my collection.

Reading through old cards, looking at old pictures, and trying to figure out what is worth keeping is a difficult task - especially when you're hormonal and pregnant! I found myself remembering so many times in my life that I don't think about often and feeling very thankful for so many of the special people in my life who have stood by me through thick and thin over the years.

I found myself with a soft spot for many items that I just couldn't bare to part with -- even though they will never mean anything to anyone but me. I found myself saving special cards from friends and family - including the mailing envelope from the first package that Mike ever sent me - wedding programs, notes attached to carnations from high school, and various other trinkets that I didn't even remember I had. I hope to post a few old photos I found particularly entertaining on Facebook later this week (if I can find time to scan them!) and I found some items that need to be shared with close friends. It's amazing to me that I've been friends with many of my closest friends for at least 15 years. When did we get so old?? :)

One of my favorite finds were these letters from Grandpa that I've included throughout this post (click to enlarge and try to decifer!) that he wrote to me when I was in college. It's important to note that I was very rarely gone for more than three days at a time... but he wrote me silly letters anyway. Needless to say, the letters will be packed away. How can I throw away letters that are signed "G.P.", "G.Pa" or the many cards I found signed "Gran Pa".

Grandpa was always a good sport -- he let me give him facials and paint his fingernails and toenails. He had blue toenails for months. One time I painted his fingernails in clear sparkles. I am sure he received some humorous reactions at the coffee shop the next morning. :)

Going through the boxes and boxes of items I've saved helped me to remember all of the good times I've shared with many important people throughout the years. I'm lucky to have so many wonderful people who have been in my life for so long and who will continue to be an important part of my life in the future. I'd try to list all of you -- but I'm sure I'd leave someone out - but I think most of you know who you are... Thank you. :)

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to the best Daddy we know!!

Last photo courtesy of Spieth Photography.

Doctor Updates

Over the last two days, Mom, Bo, and I have all been to the doctor.

Bo - Bo had his 18 month check-up yesterday (he's 19 months today!!). He weighed 27 lbs. (60% percentile) and was 34 1/2 inches tall (90% percentile). All of his growth patterns fall right along the curve so he is growing normally.

The doctor and I discussed his vocabulary and he said that around 30 words at this point is great and he is probably ahead in language now (which totally shocked me - I need to make a list of his words.) **Sidenote: Bo and I played a fun game in the car yesterday. I drew on the Magna Doodle and then he told me what each drawing was -- I find it amazing he can recognize my very primitive drawings of cars, trees, cats, birds, ducks, etc.** Now we need to keep working on using words and strive for 2-3 word phrases by his second birthday. I'm so glad he doesn't think we have a language issue. He had me scared after our last appointment.

The doctor also discussed potty training and encouraged us to have a kiddy potty in each bathroom (we do) and to encourage interest in them whenever possible. I told the doctor I wasn't pushing it at this point and he said he would just like to see him potty trained by two and a half. So that buys me a little time at least... Potty training with newborns. Should be joyous. :)

Bo won't need to be seen again (except for shots -- which we are several shots behind -- intentionally) until his 2nd birthday so this was probably his last visit with his current doctor. I can't say I'm sad - he's a strange duck. I have found a new pediatrician that is covered by our insurance and fairly close to our new house. I'm hopeful they will accept three new patients. ;)

Me/Twins - I met with the nurse practitioner yesterday and all appears to be going well with the twins. My weight is on target, blood pressure in check, and I am measuring at 29 weeks at nearly 24 weeks with twins. Most of the appointment was spent discussing what will happen at future appointments and what to watch for with preterm labor.

Starting at 28 weeks I will have growth ultrasounds regularly to make sure that both twins are continuing to grow at the same rate. After 32 weeks, I'll have weekly NST monitoring sessions to monitor for contractions, etc. I've been so focused on getting to 24 weeks for so long that it seems crazy to think about actually reaching 28 weeks -- or even thinking about 32!

I go back in two weeks on a Thursday. Anyone want to babysit Bo that day? ;)

Mom - Mom has cataracts on both eyes that need to be removed sooner rather than later. The doctor is not sure if the cataracts were caused by a lack of oxygen during her recent stroke or some other factor (i.e. smoking). She is struggling with vision out of her right eye and this needs to be done as soon as possible. An exact date for the surgery has not been set but I'm encouraging her to set the date for as soon as possible. The surgeries will most likely take place two weeks apart in a town that is about an hour and a half away. Mom will not be able to drive or lift for at least four weeks.

Her surgeries are definitely another curve ball and stress factor that all of us do not need at this point -- but vision isn't something to mess with. Bo and I will have Olney as our permanent residence until Mom can drive again -- even if we are able to move into the new house before then. Cataract surgery is performed every day so I am not really worried about the surgery itself. I am hopeful that they are able to totally restore Mom's vision completely and that after the recovery period Mom will be better than ever. I am, however, worried about the 4 weeks that will follow and how we will all deal with the situation. Mom will hate not being able to see well during the transition, drive, or lift Bo. I also worry about what our options will be if I would go into labor or have complications with my pregnancy. Let's knock on wood that doesn't happen.

Ask Jamie: We Bought a House!!

Bridget comments on yesterday's post:

Just read your twitter, let's hear the details! WE NEED DETAILS!! ;) glad to hear you bought one!

I was feeling quite "down" about the house hunting experience yesterday morning. Little did I know that yesterday evening we would decide to put in another offer and it would actually be accepted. Obviously, there are still steps to go through -- home inspection, appraisal, etc. but we have come to an agreement with the owners and we are looking at a closing date in July. Thank heavens. The last thing I wanted to do today (after going to two doctor's appointments!) was trapes (is this really a word??) through more houses.

After driving our realtor bat-shit crazy with all of my questions over the last few days, researching listings, market values, etc. last night we decided to put in one more offer. We determined the absolute highest price we were willing to pay for the house and contacted the realtor. We made it clear that if they did not accept the offer we'd be moving on and looking at other houses. This was the end of the road -- take it or leave it.

Within a half hour, the realtor called back. They accepted.

I am so relieved to have this step of the process done. It's only one of the first of many dominoes that have to be knocked over to obtain our final goal (mine is to be settled and comfortable before the twins are born!) but it's a huge start.

I really like the house and from the other houses in the area, I think we would be hard pressed to find another house that would suit our needs as well as this one will.

The house is a ranch with a finished basement. There are three bedrooms upstairs, a large living room, nice kitchen, and a sunroom. The walkout basement has another bedroom, a large family room, a full bathroom, and tons of storage. It isn't a massive house by any means but it is nice and has many of the amenities (or potential to add said amenities) that we were looking for. The biggest perk for Mike is that it is over an acre of land with beautiful landscaping, nice patios, and a wooded area/creek in the back. I think he is in love with the yard more than the house. :)

At this point, we are planning for a less than traditional setup of the house to meet our needs. Right now, I'm thinking the twins will share the Master suite, Bo will have one of the other bedrooms on the main floor, and the third bedroom on the main floor will be a guest room for whenever Mom wants to stay with us. The fourth bedroom, downstairs, will be another guest room for Mike's parents. Where will Mike and I sleep? Well, for now, I'm thinking we'll make the family room in the basement (with attached bathroom) our master suite. We'll have a sitting area, our bed, and a makeshift office for me down there. It isn't an ideal long-term solution -- but for now I'd like to keep all of the kids on the main floor and Mom doesn't think she can do stairs -- so she needs a room on the main floor as well.

We've already talked about the changes we'll make to the house as the kids get older. Possibly adding a loft above the garage for Bo -- moving the girls into their own rooms -- converting the sunroom into an office, etc. No house is ever purchased without extensive plans in the Weitl family. :) Hopefully I'll be better at documenting the changes in the new house than I have been in our current one. We've done SO MUCH here and it is a totally different house than it was when we moved in. Unfortunately, I didn't take any "before" photos. Oh, how I wish I would have! (If you're in Olney and looking for a great house -- we can hook you up!)

The house is about 10 minutes from Mike's work and from the major shopping district of the area (which isn't that major... but it's better than here. There is a Target!). It is about 4 minutes from the local community college -- which could be a potential job prospect for me in the future (if I survive the first year with twins!). The area is nice and hopefully we'll be able to make some friends in our neighborhood. I'm really excited about joining the local YMCA as well.

At this point, we aren't sure how long we will be in this house. It could be our "forever" house (I always like to plan for this scenario) or it could just be where we settle for a few years until Mike tries for another promotion. We don't know the area that well. We don't know how well Mike will like his new job. And we aren't 100% for sure we'll want to stay there forever. My only request has been that we decide where we want to settle before Bo starts school. We've got a little over 4 years to see where the road takes us.

For right now, this feels right. The house feels right. The area feels right. And that's a good thing for all of us.

Friday's Feature at Sticky Feet Part Deux is Ask Jamie. Feel free to email me or leave a comment with any question you would like for me to answer. Anything is fair game!

Curve Balls

Nothing seems to be going our way when it comes to the move - it feels like we are thrown curve balls and road blocks at every turn.

The owner's of the house we offered on are not willing to negotiate on price. Um... apparently they've never sold a house before... I wish they would have stated on their sheet that they were firm... It would have spared me a lot of hard feelings.

While that still may be "the house" and we do have the ability to purchase it -- part of me is just ticked about the entire issue -- so we are heading back to Peru on Friday to look at more houses. Ugh. We'll be making our way up the state tomorrow -- Bo has his 18 month checkup in Effingham at 8:45. I have an OB appointment in Champaign at 11:30. And then we are meeting with the realtor to look at houses at 2. What a long day for my Bobo.

Mike has been in Bloomington this week for meetings so Bo and I have been entertaining ourselves. We've spent time with Mom and my cousin Kelly. We had a play/dinner date last night, etc. I've also been trying to keep the house under control for showings and working during Bo's sleeping hours. It seems crazy to think Mike starts in his new position on Monday. We're going to be facing some long weeks...

At this point, it looks like Mike will commute to his parents house (1.5 hours each way) for the time being and Bo and I will stay here. Mike is use to long commutes -- he drove nearly 2 hours each way to Champaign for 4 months -- but it is going to be difficult having him so far away. I just have to hope that these babies decide to stay inside for quite awhile longer and I continue to be able to function at the level that I currently am for a good while longer. Otherwise, we're totally screwed.

Even if we bought a house yesterday, we are looking at actually moving when I am around 31 weeks pregnant. And we don't have a house yet. Heaven help me... I officially forbid these babies from coming early or making me feel like crap until at least week 38. If only I had that kind of control... ;)

One bit of good news, things with my mom seem to be getting better. What will happen when we actually move is still totally up in the air, but it seems like we are making progress and she is accepting that this is going to happen. Most importantly, I think we've all agreed that cutting us out of her life completely isn't going to make it easier for anyone.

Wordless Wednesday: Why I Haven't Been Posting Recipes

You may have noticed that I haven't been posting recipes nearly as often as I use to. Yesterday, after lunch and before nap, I thought I would try my hand at making zucchini bread. I had my back turned to mix the ingredients and snap a quick photo. When I turned around I saw this...

Fortunately, I already had my camera in my hands.

Bo apparently thought that he would help me by taking everything out of the cabinet.

He knows he isn't suppose to be doing this...

But thinks if he gives me a cute grin, I might forgive him.

He's right. Who can resist that little face?

Maybe I should make the boy some cornbread?? :)

For more Wordless Wednesday visit 5 Minutes for Mom and Momdot.com.

P.S. Head over to my Review Blog for a great giveaway!!

Good Things Cause Stress

My life is good. A wonderful husband, an adorable toddler, two more children on the way, a loving family, a fulfilling career...

Over the years, I'm slowly starting to realize, that it is typically when my life is the "best" that I'm also full of stress. I think sometimes it's easy to forget that good things cause stress.

I look back at the Fall of 2003 and see that time period as the most stressful time of my life thus far. (Bo's birth rivaled it - and I have a feeling the next few months may surpass it!). In the Fall of 2003, I started my first teaching job, bought a home and remodeled it with Mike, planned my wedding, had numerous obligations and responsibilities as fair queen, and pretty much was so stressed I couldn't see straight. The fact that Mike married me in February 2004 still surprises me. I'm not sure I would have married me after living with me through that Fall.

Everything that was going on in my life during that time was GOOD. There was absolutely nothing bad going on in my life but I was still more stressed than I have ever been.

A great deal of my stress comes from an internal pressure that is difficult to describe to someone who has not experienced it themselves. A perfectionist mentality that causes good things to escalate quickly to insanity.

I've learned to deal with some of my perfectionism. I let toys grace my floor and don't pick them up every hour (or even every day!). I never thought I would be able to handle it. I realize that I don't have to cook a 5 course meal every night. Sometimes, I even let the laundry go one more day. But, in the recesses of my mind, it's there. And many days I still struggle to control the impulse to have my house look immaculate and accomplish everything on my to-do list. (Some people exacerbate these characteristics in me... )

I'm lucky -- Mike is a perfectionist too. Many of the same things that drive me crazy, also drive him crazy. I don't have to worry about dishes piling up or the floor being swept. If I really can't get to it, Mike will do it without being asked. I don't think I could be married to someone who reacted any other way. Bo and I are really going to miss him during this transition period while he is gone during the week. And not just because he's cleanly...

The point of all of this is -- good things cause stress. And while I know that moving and the birth of our twin girls is going to be a wonderful addition to our lives and definitely a good thing, I also think we are on the cusp of one of the most stressful times of our lives.

I know that the next few months and years aren't going to be easy. We're both going to be tired and pulled like rubber bands in too many directions.

My only hope is that it will all be worth it.

House Hunting

It's amazing. Two weeks ago on Monday morning I was working and daydreaming about a vacation to Florida. Now, I'm mentally planning how to arrange furniture in a house (picture above) we made an offer on yesterday.

I told my mom several weeks ago that I've been waiting for something big to happen. Honestly, I thought it would be related to the twins and this pregnancy -- but maybe Mike's new job/moving/etc. is the "big" thing that I've felt looming on the horizon for so long.

All of it is very overwhelming. We spent the second weekend in a row looking at houses and there is nothing like the pressure of the fact that Mike starts his new job next Monday and my pregnancy to force us to make a decision quickly. We're still looking at a closing date that is at least 5 weeks away -- and with a twin pregnancy 5 weeks can be a very long time...

We haven't worked out all of the details, the house isn't ours (yet), and there are a million "what ifs" in this entire scenario.

As my pregnancy progresses it is (and will become) more and more difficult for me to participate in many of the physical aspects of the move. We're lucky that the government will provide movers -- but still, there are a million things in this house that I don't want to take with us. So I need to start going through all of our clutter and purging. Which isn't exactly easy with Bo around and when I use his sleep time to work...

I am trying to make lists of non-physical things I can do. Call the bank, change the direct deposit, contact the post office, etc. I am sure many of you have moved a lot more than I have. What are some things I need to be thinking about and make sure that we do? I don't want to over look those little details that can make a big difference in the long-run.

I want it...

Recently, a blog reader sent me a link to this stroller with the toddler seat attachment. Now usually, I'm pretty level-headed about such things and realize that a stroller isn't something that can be used forever and therefore isn't something that should break the bank.

However, I can't stop thinking about this one. I want it soooo bad. It just seems like it would be perfect and would actually allow me to get out and walk with all three kids, which I honestly thought would be pretty much impossible.

I want it.

I want it.

I want it.

If you see one on Craigslist or eBay -- shoot me an email!

Ask Jamie: Sad to Move

Anonymous asks:
Aren't you sad to be moving away from everyone you know?

First, I just want to say that I've received more emails this week than I ever have since I began blogging. This is great! It is so nice to see people come out of the woodwork to offer opinions, support, advice, etc. during a time when I've really needed it. You have no idea how much it means to me that so many of you take the time to read my thoughts and care enough to contact me. (Also, thanks so much for the stroller recommendation, Stephanie!! That is going to be a must have!!)

What's surprised me about many of these emails is that they are from random addresses that I've never seen before and I have no idea who they are. This question was the entire body of an email from a strange address. I wrote back with "Who are you?" and received no response. I decided I'd answer the question here -- and if this is you -- show yourself. Who are you?? :) Seriously, it's okay, I don't bite. Too hard.

The answer to this question is yes. Yes, I am very sad to be moving away from my hometown. I've spent the majority of the last 28 years in this town and I have many amazing friends and memories here. I can't imagine what it is going to be like to not be able to call on my friends when a crisis strikes and have someone within arms reach come to my rescue (Mandy's pretty good at that...). I can't imagine not being able to go to the high school for a few hours just to eat lunch and say hi or not being able to just run by Spieth's to chit-chat and drop off a random baked good. I can't imagine going to Wal-Mart without running into someone I know.

There is definitely a certain security to living in Olney. This is a town where everyone knows everyone and you can barely mow your lawn without the town talking about it. While I've found this overwhelming at times, in some ways it is comforting. I know that in many ways it is going to be difficult and sad to be away from many of the people I truly care about.

That said, I've also had a lot of time to process this move. This truly is something that we've been planning for the last seven years. I've taken baby steps since Bo was born to ease the transition -- quitting my job at the high school is by far the most significant example -- and I feel like I've been mentally preparing myself and those around me for this transition for years.

Also, I have no intention of moving away and never coming back to Olney or seeing my friends again. There is no doubt that this town is a major part of my history and has had a significant influence on who I am. While it will be difficult to travel for awhile after the twins are born, I don't expect we'll stay away for too long. :)

I also feel confident that my relationship with my closest friends won't change a great deal. Email, social networking, texting, etc. are all amazing ways to keep in touch and I'm already planning ways to meet up with my friends for shopping/lunch, excursions to visit us with their kids/sisters (our new town is right by Grand Bear Lodge -- one of the indoor waterparks), etc. Mike hasn't lived in the same town as many of his closest friends since high school and yet when they get together you'd never know that they don't see each other every day. True friendships will endure. Despite the ups and downs of life. Despite the distance.

Will I mourn my years in Olney? Of course I will. Countless dreams have come true here. I was raised here. I have a history here that is unlike many others. My years teaching at my Alma Mater were some of the best of my life. I feel like I know Olney like the back of my hand...

Despite all of this, I know this is the right choice for us. I know this is what my family needs. I know this is what I want. And while I don't see myself returning to Olney permanently -- Olney, and the people here, will always play a significant role in who I am and in my life.

Friday's Feature at Sticky Feet Part Deux is Ask Jamie. Feel free to email me or leave a comment with any question you would like for me to answer. Anything is fair game!

Progress, Moving, and Blogging

I am pleased to announce that my mom is speaking to me again and I feel like we have at least started the process of working through our issues. Thank the lord. It definitely isn't all sunshine and roses right now -- we don't have a plan (we're both planners...). We don't know what's going to happen in the coming months. But we have both agreed to work together to try to make changes in our relationship. I hope we all end up happier in the long run.

******
We are also making progress in other moving related aspects of our lives. We looked at more houses on Monday and we've narrowed the selection down significantly. I'll freely admit, I already have my heart set on one but we'll see what the next few days bring to see if it is really a possibility. The house is a 4 bedroom ranch and the thought of having everyone on the same floor and not having to carry babies up and down the stairs for diaper changes or hauling laundry makes the concept of 3 under 2 seem slightly easier. We'll be going to Peru again on Saturday (or at least Mike will) and will hopefully make an offer on something in order to move this process along.

Mike's last day in Effingham is on Monday as he has meetings in Bloomington the rest of next week. In many regards, this is happening very quickly. We're realistic and know that we won't have a house or be moved by the time Mike starts his new job on June 22 (that's like a week -- holy crap!), but we hope we can move the process along quickly enough so that we can be into a new house and at least semi-settled before the twins are born. I'd also hate to go into labor with Mike 3 1/2 hours away... but that is a whole other worry... Mike will most likely stay in a hotel or commute the 1 1/2 hours from his parents (each way) to the new job for awhile.

At this point, the moving and packing isn't worrying me too much. Ask me again in a few weeks and it may be a different scenario. Movers will come in and do most of the packing - so I'm trying not to add that to my stress level. In all honesty, I'm looking forward to getting rid of some of our clutter. In some ways, I think moving with a fully intact nesting instinct might not be the worst thing ever. Let's just hope I'm still feeling well and moving around well when we actually move -- I think I'm in a second trimester energy spurt right now. :)

******

I know that many people do not understand my blog. That has become more evident in the last week than it ever has been before. And unless you're a blogger yourself (a big thanks to those of you who do understand and supported me in numerous ways) it is difficult to explain how cathartic and helpful a blog can be during times of crisis. It's also an indirect way to reach people that is usually quite effective. While my words don't always have the desired result and are sometimes misunderstood and taken out of context, for the most part my blog has been a very positive aspect of my life over the last three years and I have no plans to stop blogging or to stop sharing my life with others in this way.

One aspect of all of this I've noticed -- it seems like older generations have more difficulty accepting public openness than younger generations. With tools like Facebook, Twitter, blogs, and hundreds of other social networking applications at our fingertips, younger generations seem to be more open and willing to put their life out there for others -- both the good and the bad. What has changed to make this shift from keeping everything private (even though everyone was talking about it anyway) to being able to talk about your life relatively freely? Is this a good shift or a bad shift? Does your age/generation impact the way you feel about this topic?

Wordless Wednesday: My Little Fish

I took Bo swimming for the first time this year at Mandy's mom's pool yesterday. He had a great time being entertained by Mandy's sisters -- he giggled and laughed at their antics and was pleased as punch when they would go under water and jump off the diving board for his amusement.

Bo wasn't afraid of the water at all. He was more than happy to let Aunt Manny try to float him on his back and attempt to have him swim. He definitely doesn't totally understand the concept of swimming but he had a lot of fun (and so did I). :)

*I had a very difficult time selecting only 5 photos to post. I'm uploading more pics on Facebook. If you'd like to see them, just add me as a friend. :)*

For more Wordless Wednesday head over to 5 Minutes for Mom and Momdot.com.

A Good Daughter

I can honestly say, with all of my being, that I have tried my best to be a good daughter.

Am I perfect? No.

Have I said things that I probably should not have said? Yes.

Could I deal with some situations better? Yes.

Have I tried my absolute best to be a good daughter to my mom? Yes.



There are very few days during my nearly 28 years of life that I have not talked to my mom in some way, shape, or fashion. For the last 28 years I feel confident that she can most likely count on both hands the number of times she was not aware of where I was or what I was doing. I have tried my absolutely best to make her proud and to live my life so that I can be there for her.

For the last year, a typical day, usually included an email to my mom first thing in the morning. I would then see my mom for approximately 15 minutes to a half hour at around 9 am when I dropped Bo off or she picked him up. I typically stayed a half hour when I picked him up at 12:30. Since her stroke, if it is nice outside, we typically saw Mom again about 3:30 or 4 to go for a walk. Then Mom played with Bo at our house while I made dinner for all of us. Mom typically left our house around 6 pm.

On the weekends, if Mike and I go anywhere, we ask Mom to go with us. If we are going out to eat, we ask if she would like to go with us. If we are grilling out, we invite Mom over for dinner. If we aren't doing anything special, we may purchase fast food (Subway since her stroke) and bring it to her house for lunch. It is rare that she does not see us. Granted, I have stopped asking her to visit Mike's parents with us, as she always says no and I became tired of arguing with her about it. We typically try to visit Mike's parents one weekend per month. It is very rare that Mike and I do something of any significance without asking my mom to go with us.

We took Mom on vacation with us last year to Galena and asked her to go with us to Florida. She decided not to go to Florida with us this year, but I did ask her, repeatedly, to go with us. I had hoped she would be with us this weekend and we would stay at the indoor water park and enjoy some fun time with Bo in addition to the stressful job of looking at houses. We've offered to drive her to meet up with her friend Belinda when we go to visit Mike's friend Owen, but she has never taken us up on that offer. We try, repeatedly, to take her places and to help get her out of the house.

One of her main complaints in our recent conversations is that I don't talk to her. I do talk to her -- almost always multiple times per day. Granted, I don't have much new and entertaining to say during those 3 hour breaks (aka work) between conversations. My life is not that exciting and there isn't a lot to discuss besides what Bo has been doing.

Mike has also tried his best to be a good son-in-law. He and his parents have remodeled a great deal of Mom's living room, added a closet, remodeled the bathroom, and added a screened in porch -- just to list a few things. Mike has lived in Olney for the last 6 years for all of us - despite the fact that it is five hours away from all of his family and he has a 2 hour commute each day to work. He tries to help out around my mom's house whenever he can. Granted, if the toilet won't flush, he can't always run over immediately, but he always tries to do his best given the small amount of time he is actually home each day.

We appreciate what Mom does for us. She has watched Bo a few hours per day so I can have some work time during the day and that is appreciated. We have tried to show our appreciation through the different things we have done to help her around her house, through purchasing various items for her and her house, through my preparing dinner nearly every night, and by paying her some money to watch Bo.

Many of you have expressed concern in your comments that this may be related to her recent stroke. I encouraged Mom multiple times in my conversations with her last week to go back to the doctor and I hope she will do this. I have emailed Mom at least once per day since all of this happened on Friday but she has not responded. Mostly, I just update her on what we are doing and ask her to call or email me. I am trying to give her some space but it is difficult for me because this does seem like such an irrational and illogical course of action.

I do feel like I've tried to be a good daughter. I'm not perfect. Not by any means. But I have tried. And I wish with all my being that I knew how to make this better.

I also find myself wishing -- every day -- that Grandpa was alive. There is no way he would let all of this happen.

A Note About Comments

I have never deleted a comment that wasn't a duplicate. Until today. I have always appreciated both the positive and negative comments I have received and realize that blogging requires a thick skin.

That said, comments that call anyone in my family a derogatory term will be deleted. I was posting comments from my phone today and one slipped through and was present on the blog for a period of time. I do not think this comment was necessary or correct in their false assumptions about the situation nor did I appreciate the terms they used. That comment has been deleted and future comments from this user will be deleted as well.

I also want to let anyone reading know, that while I do allow anonymous comments -- I appreciate it when you include your name. I do track IP addresses and I can usually pinpoint with some accuracy where comments are coming from. Some readers have figured out loopholes around this -- but even then, when there are frequent stops, I can typically figure out who is commenting -- especially if it is someone I know in real life. I just want everyone who is visiting/responding to be aware of this. While you are "anonymous" you still leave your imprint (aka IP) on the blog any time you visit the site.

Sensitive Issues

Anonymous comments: I was just wondering if the blog is the right place to discuss such sensitive issues? What about a little respect for your Mom? Being uprooted from one's home is difficult for anyone!

I've been waiting for this question to be presented -- and I guess I shouldn't be surprised that it was an anonymous comment that addressed this issue... (Just so you know, it is okay to leave your name.)

I first want to state that I am being very careful in what I type regarding this situation. I feel that my posts have been vague enough that they don't show the full circumstances of the situation and mostly address my feelings and response to what is happening. I am avoiding many of the harsher details of the circumstances and trying to be as positive as I can given the current situation. There are many, many, many details of this situation that are not on public display out of respect for my mom.

That said, my blog has always served as an outlet for me. At many times in my life, it has been my only outlet. One of the many ways that I work through issues is by writing about them here and receiving feedback and support from my real life and online friends. I do not think it would be fair or accurate to discuss my life right now without discussing the current estrangement from my mom. This situation is at the forefront of my mind, all day, every day, and if I didn't discuss it here -- like I discuss all other aspects of my life, I wouldn't be accurately depicting my life.

I also feel that Mom is probably reading the blog. I know that if I were her it would be very difficult for me to stay away from a site like this. Since she is not allowing me to reach her in other ways, I hope that she is at least reading my words and knows that despite all of this, I still want her to be an integral part of our lives. I want her to know that this is not what I want and that I am very upset about everything that is going on with her. I also know, that at least if Mom is not reading, her friends are, and hopefully they will help her through this time since I am not currently being allowed in.

I have never once said that leaving Olney would be easy for my mom. It won't be easy for me either. And I understand that "being uprooted" from her home will be difficult. That said, at this point, I am not requiring her to be "uprooted." At this point, all I want is for her to talk to me. I want her to agree to see me and my family, at least for regular visits. I do not want her to cut me out of her life completely.

Eventually, do I think she should move with us? Absolutely. But that isn't my choice and at this point, that truly is a non-issue. My ultimate goal right now is simply communication - not moving.

Home Is Where Your Heart Is

During my life, I've had many homes. I've lived in several homes in Olney. I've lived in Texas. I've lived in Charleston. I've traveled around Illinois (and other places) and called the houses of friends and hotels home. No matter where I am, the place where I lay my head at night typically is called home.

Today, we went looking for our new home. It feels like such a monumental decision. Numerous factors to consider to select a place where we will spend hours and hours of our lives. The place where we will raise our children. It's difficult to look at a house for a few minutes and know if it is the place you should invest not only money, but also your heart. The choices and decisions involved in buying a house are completely overwhelming.

When we bought our current home, Mike and I both knew it was "the one" as soon as we saw it. Over the years, we've changed numerous aspects of the house, brought our Bobo home to it, and truly made it a home. We hope we'll have that same "the one" feeling about one of the houses we see tomorrow as the houses we looked at today do not really seem to fit the bill.

That said, I think home has a lot more to do with the people you are with than with the actual physical location of the home. Any building or place can technically be a home, but without those you love - what's the point?

One of the many "talking points" of the last week has been the fact that my mom's house in Olney is paid for and this is one of the many reasons she does not want to move. While we are ready and willing to build her her own in-law suite attached to whatever home we buy or in our backyard, it seems to always come back to the fact that she already has a house in Olney. But without us coming in and out of her house daily, without Bo's feet pitter-pattering through it, and fingerprints on the glass, what's the point?

Mom also says that Olney is her "comfort zone". Olney is her home. Without her family there, is it truly? I would argue that it isn't...

For me, my home is where my family is -- it's where my Bobo is -- it's where my heart is.

This post was written for a TwitterMoms contest and it seemed like a fitting topic given the current flux of our "home" situation. All you have to do is answer the question "What does home mean to you?" to enter.

My Mom is Divorcing Me

Since we found out we will be moving on Monday, the week has been rather um... well... eventful.

I won't go into all of the details of said events. But let's just say they have involved the police, a lawyer, bankers, realtors, and a psychologist.

To condense a very long story - my mom has decided that she wants to divorce me (and yes, she actually said that). She has said, repeatedly over the last several days, that she no longer wants to see me or my family. She does not want any contact with any of us and she plans to burn all of our pictures. She says she will turn off her phone, the internet, and has already attempted to have me thrown off of her property.

What triggered these events? The move. The move that we've been waiting for and discussing for the last seven years. Apparently, she feels like I am abandoning her - despite my repeated requests for her move with us, for her to split her time, or more recently, for her to not break all communication with us and allow us to visit and for her to come stay with us whenever she would like. She also feels like I am a mean and horrible daughter -- which definitely is not the case - but I won't go into the litany of reasons why at this point...

I am to the point of emotional exhaustion where I have no idea what to think, or say, or do. While I knew that our move wouldn't be a hand-holding, butterflies and rainbows, walk down the yellow brick road, I never even fathomed all of this.

It's one thing to want to punish me. But to never want to see this little guy...

well... I just can't imagine.

Ask Jamie: Toddler Friendly Lunch Ideas

Typically, I answer a reader's question and then throw it back your way. Today, I have a question for you that I hope you can help me out with!

I am trying to compose a list of toddler friendly lunch ideas -- preferably easy to prepare and healthy. Please leave your ideas in the comments and I will move them to the body of the post for everyone to read and share.

1. English Muffin Pizzas (Serves 2)
Split two whole wheat English muffins. Top each half with 2 Tbsp of pizza sauce, 2 turkey pepperonis, and enough mozzarella cheese to cover. Broil at 350 for 5 minutes. Serve with a side of steamed broccoli and fruit for dessert.

2. Grilled Cheese and Tomato Soup (Serves 2)
Heat soup - we prefer Amy's Organic Creamy Tomato. Butter one side of four pieces of whole wheat bread. Take a Kraft single and place one between each piece of bread (I like the Fat-Free singles). Grill on the stove.

Friday's Feature at Sticky Feet Part Deux is Ask Jamie. Feel free to email me or leave a comment with any question you would like for me to answer. Anything is fair game!


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